Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

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Nuclear nope news: Child-like robots for child molestors

Posted on July 17, 2014

Ugh. I didn’t want to touch this story with a ten foot blacked-out-window van with candy inside. But seeing as its trending, I’ll say this: “Normal” sex robots already exist. Now, some creepers would like to fill creeper needs with “childlike sex robots” The aim? “to rehabilitate offenders the same way you’d give methadone to an addict.” Right. Yeah. Ya know, I was addicted to painkillers once. It wasn’t fun… Read More

Girl kept in contacts half a year? Eye can’t even…

Posted on July 17, 2014

Ever slept in contact lenses? And then you wake up? And it feels like the tooth fairy came in your sleep but instead of giving you dollars for your dentin, she just used her own to eat your eyes? Today we’ll learn that eye-eating is indeed exactly what’ll happen if you leave in your lenses for half a year. Like this Taiwanese chick who kept hers in for six months… Read More

Facbook game requesters: You’re uninvited.

Posted on July 17, 2014

Well, it’s good to know I’m not the only one who’s being perpetually victimized by rapid fire invitations for pointless games grown ass humans somehow have time to play on Facebook. I was going to spend this piece ruminating on a variety of possible reasons my thoughtless so called friends might be regressing to the level where they would actually do this to someone with whom they once shared a.. Read More

Rich people craigslist: “Posh” is actually kinda tacky…

Posted on July 17, 2014

So… there’s a Craigslist for the rich folk. And I’m not entirely sure what’s more fun about this little corner of the interwebz…. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s called “Posh” which is a subsite within a larger site called “The Bloomberg Terminal” (can I supersize my order of pretentious assholery? Yes? Fantastic.) Or it could be that things like porsches and boats and airplanes and medieval castles are sold.. Read More

I wanna be judged by you, boop boop be doop!

Posted on July 17, 2014

Oh, good. I’d been looking for an excuse to write on this “how we judge our own appearances” study. I saw something about it a while ago and was just kind of lukewarm about my feelings on transforming it to a written piece. But (along with the truckstop hooker documentaries and letting James Franco write for them), I now have yet another thing to thank VICE for – spotlighting internet.. Read More

I made that bish a princess. Bishes love being a princess.

Posted on July 15, 2014

When my niece was born, my brother was so enamored he’d literally do anything for her. Pony? Yes. Unicorn shitting a stream of rainbows? Why not. Devise detailed plan to shrink the moon and steal it from the heavens? Absolutely. Unfortunately, my father-of-the-year brother may have some stiff competition, though. And from a fellow Virginian, no less. Jeriamiah Heaton’s 7-year-old daughter Emily said she wanted to be a princess –.. Read More

Vaginal water vessel? Why not!

Posted on July 15, 2014

Beavers make dams to use bodies of water as protection. But what if your own beaver could protect you by crossing bodies of water? Hey! Anyone want to take a ride in my vagina? I mean – vagina boat?! Well, that’s too bad. ‘cause I don’t have one. But you know who does? This Japanese artist Megumi Igarashi who captured her snatch onto a 3D printing technology which turned it.. Read More

We all go a little mad… sometimes

Posted on July 15, 2014

Police broke into a Brooklyn apartment Monday, after reports of a “foul smell”. No one had been seen the mother or daughter leave or enter for years. And the daughter refused to let in authorities. Mmmmyes… You’ve got my attention. Go on… A 28-year-old woman was sat inside, disheveled, and surrounded by columns of trash like a hoarder’s palace. Oh, yeah. And her dead mama-dukes, too. The lady had been.. Read More

Getting intimate on film: The 60’s did it better

Posted on July 15, 2014

What is it that’s so much fun about strangers getting intimate on film? Several months ago, I covered Vice’s footage of strangers off the street, smooching on camera. The awkwardness and apparent authenticity made it captivating in that curl-your-toes-and-feel-mortified-for-them kinda way. So when this Masters of Sex thing popped up on my feed, I couldn’t help but watch. For research. Obviously. It’s interesting because I’m human, but I’m also a.. Read More

Is iphone inducing illiteracy?

Posted on July 14, 2014

Is text messaging murdering our youth’s grammar? Recent spotlight-shining on this matter claims to show evidence of the contrary. But I’m not so sure. A published study that followed kids from primary school to university stated that grammar didn’t poorly effect real-life literacy. My first thought was – I hope these aren’t the same kids, because primary school means age eleven and earlier and phone use a eight years to.. Read More