Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

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The prodigal jogger P.1: #newtrail review (part 1)

Posted on April 21, 2015

In my fat days (ten pounds ago – the most I’m willing to let myself go before committing seppuku with the same knife that’s preparing whatever I’ve been shoveling into my face), I always thought it might be fun to do food reviews. Or hotel reviews. Or maybe even reviewing that one annoying OnDemand narration that loops every 20 seconds while you’re trying your hardest to get to this week’s.. Read More

Learning: can being dumber make you smarter?

Posted on April 20, 2015

“Don’t… know… how to… information…” I was sitting under the spring sun the other day, studying, and trying to get a good base tan for the impending skimpy-clothes weather (although I’m 200 years old now, so there’s an inverse relache between skimpiness and self respect at this point). And all I could think of was the above. Actually, that’s a lie. I was thinking plenty. But all I could manage.. Read More

Funny guys get laid more – but so can you.

Posted on April 19, 2015

Giving a chick the gift of laughter is pretty much like putting a vibrator to her cognitive clitoris. Ring heaven’s doorbell and you’re halfway to ringing her devil’s doorbell too. Being permitted entry into the feminine fortress is never far off. Unless, of course, you kill it by doing something like laughing at your own jokes. Or maybe having a micro-peen. But, generally speaking, if you’re good at educing mind-gasms,.. Read More

Why birth control makes you crazy

Posted on April 19, 2015

This just in from science: Taking birth control can make you crazy. Because it’s got extra of what makes you a woman in it. No, seriously. I’m on board with this. And hear me out. Think about it: as beaver bearing humanoids, we’re already destined for the genetic predisposition toward mental illness to begin with. That’s just our birthright. Our karmic reward for eating the serpent’s Granny Smith. I’m not.. Read More

Vet snipes pet in her downtime; proudly tweets cat corpse

Posted on April 18, 2015

Sure, you’ve seen doctors who tell you not to smoke – between death-rattle emphysema coughs. Or dentists with teeth that look like an anvil was playing hopscotch on a piano. But have you ever seen a vet… murder a housepet? Veterinarian Kristen Lindsey sure wanted the world to see it when she not only went all Daryl from Walking Dead on a tabby and shot him through the head with.. Read More

Why I started green-tea-latte Methadone for my Starbucks habit.

Posted on April 17, 2015

Ughh… Starbucks announces S'mores Frappuccinos for a limited time only http://t.co/9BlNkD7Z9y pic.twitter.com/J2ORzZDRUl — Huffington Post (@HuffingtonPost) April 17, 2015 I hate it when they do these limited time edition specialty drinks which probably all taste alike anyway. Admittedly, though, while part of me is disgusted… another part of me is curious. Curious about whether it’d look like a giant muddy mural version of a Dexter spatter if I bought twelve.. Read More

What happens when you mix PCP and bath salts?

Posted on April 17, 2015

Q: Hey, what do you get when you take PCP and Bath Salts and mix ‘em together? A: You don’t. You don’t take PCP. Or take bath salts. Much less mix ‘em. Well, one would hope that would be the answer, given the vast catalog of examples the internet has provided for us in various media forms. (Everyone remember the bath salts guy who got taken away on a stretcher?).. Read More

So Delicious creamer was so delish that I never read its death ingredients.

Posted on April 17, 2015

When I finally went vegan, my coffee creamer was the last thing to go. And by “go” – I mean get replaced by something non-animal but palatable. It was tough. Most vegan creamers are pureed defecation, chilled and boxed up for your enjoyment. But my decision wasn’t too tough once I found the wonder that is “So Delicious” coconut creamer. Unlike the soy or almond based fridge companions I chose.. Read More

Nature facts: Chick chimps are hungry whores paid by mugger males

Posted on April 16, 2015

My Twit-feed often asks us the more relevant life-questions: How do we transcend low vibrational consciousness? Can we save the planet? Which hole will a chick chimp fill first when she’s hungry and her homeboy’s horny? What happens when male chimps seek sex but females are more interested in food? http://t.co/9lfz4ffj1D — National Geographic (@NatGeo) April 16, 2015 Ah, yes. This was the transcendent aha moment I’d been seeking all.. Read More

I think I just created the best job ever…

Posted on April 15, 2015

Coming to Wegman’s upper floor is great. I get to work, watch people, quickly press random keys on my keyboard while trying to look like a “plugged in” Zuckployee as soon as they catch me staring at them… It’s really quite an efficient waste of my time way to get work done without getting too terribly ADHD ejected outta my mind jet. I mean, as I literally just noted, the.. Read More