Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

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McMystery sauce now on sale for mere price of a private island.

Posted on February 9, 2015

Ah, the sweet and glowing golden arches. Sure, mayhaps that “M” stands for “McDonald’s”. But maybe it also stands for that “mystery mustard” of theirs. Or just… “money”. ’cause, now, if you have a lot of that last thing, you can get that middle thing from that first thing. And I do mean a lot. Specifically… $18,000. That’s right. The burger behemoth has finally acquiesced to the masses’ demands and.. Read More

Starbucks’s imminently selling coconut milk; my body is ready.

Posted on February 9, 2015

“You know what would make this green tea soy latte better?” “What?” “Nothing. Nothing at all.” This is an actual conversation I’ve had before, while orally worshipping the frothy forest colored beverage before me. The world morphs into a Monet of the senses during those first few sips. Speaking to me’s useless as I seek to satisfy the fiend within. However, it didn’t take long for me to move onto.. Read More

How harnessing my chi helped my girl-gooch reach the ground

Posted on February 9, 2015

You know what I hate about motivational advice? Well, my brain, to be specif. It’s a tragedy, really – how my brain will take some good, clear, totally applicable advice and be mind-masturbated into total numbness by it (just ‘cause it’s a “cliché) instead of letting the message sink in, resonate, and do its magic on me. To be fair, not all motivational advice is effective – or at the.. Read More

The weigh I see it.

Posted on February 6, 2015

I could waste a lot of time looking at optical illusion images. That’s mostly just because I suck at the ones where you have to search for something in the spaghetti patterns. But I suppose it’s also because my truculent head contents refuse to give up on trying to make sense of something nonsensical. All of once have I won at those posters you used to see in a mall.. Read More

Handies for the handicapped.

Posted on February 6, 2015

So… one courageous volunteer group is giving new meaning to the term “handicapped”. Like, as in, their hands on your mushroom cap… if you’re disabled and mayhaps can’t DIY. The rundown is that it’s a bunch of people who volunteer to do “second base” kinda stuff for those whose physical setbacks preclude them from having normal reaches or even takin curr’a bidniz themselves (like if you’ve got a muscle waste-y.. Read More

I’m in love with a corpulent Ukrainian

Posted on February 6, 2015

“Can I have the breast pillow?” Typical question to ask. If you’re a chick. And if you’re walking into the back of Massage Envy while inquiring about supportive accessories that’ll make your lady accessories comfortable while laying down during your session (they aren’t huge, but I can’t relax the backs of my shoulders if my chesticles are vexed). A less typical reply? The one that followed, issued by my portly.. Read More

Detoxes work ’cause they detoxify dollars outta your bank account.

Posted on February 6, 2015

So, today’s the second time in a week that I’ve heard detoxes are bullshit. (Well, specifically, they’ve all been titled “Why Detoxes Don’t Work”) So, naturally, I wonder if that’s accurate or not. Something else I wonder is: what does this fascinating piece of body language mean? (Is that, like, all the shit being shepherded from your colon’s sides? By bits of detox juice?) Reading over this argument, the claim.. Read More

Activate Plan B

Posted on February 6, 2015

I’ve been putting off sharing this shitty update for a few days. Because: pride. (Get it? Lion? Pride? Eh? Eh?! Moving on.) I’ve wanted to get into this PTA (physical therapist assistant) program for a bit now. Ya know, so I can play magical messiah, lay hands on people, and have them cry and shake and bow before me (‘cause that’s totally what it’s like). Back here in reality, I.. Read More

Apparently I’m the mad hatter IRL

Posted on February 4, 2015

My dad always says to open with a joke. So we’ll start with one I just made: Patron to waiter: “Knock knock.” Waiter: “Who’s there?” Patron: “Chamomile.” Waiter: “Chamomile who?” Patron: “Chamomile come any faster? I’m starving…” *Ba dum tissss* (Surely that’s been made up somewhere, sometime prior to now. But we’ll pretend it wasn’t.) My ridiculous opener is meant to illustrate one of my most salient character defects: impatience… Read More

Not sure if fail… or win.

Posted on February 4, 2015

You never know where the clickable online rabbit hole will take you after a long day. Like where I ended up the other night while sitting down for some mindless interwebz after going a million miles a second all day from sunup to sundown: watching this ridiculous video. Its title was something like: “Tips for how to make a man adore you.” You might think I was hoping to pick.. Read More