Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

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Sugar and spice and everything psych (how Starbucks’ seasonal bevs mindfckk you)

Posted on September 22, 2014

Ah, so there’s a deeper psychology to all this seasonal beverage stuff? Ya know, a breezy fall day like this almost makes me want to get a pumpkin spiced latte. Almost. Out of pure spite, is it, that this overpriced drink doesn’t automatically become my vegan vice (do they make it with soy?) right here and now. Yes, because I’m still butthurt over their introduction of it so prematurely in.. Read More

“Joy” product is offensive, but no one seems to nail why.

Posted on September 22, 2014

Ever get offended by a product? Because it pokes fun at a condition you personally have? Like this “Joy” card? First of all, is MSpaint the new minimalism? Secondly, call me crazy (both because I am a bit and the pun works magnificently here), but I’m not seeing anything about bipolar disorder on the actual product. Should people with chronic anger issues and depression sans the mania get upset about.. Read More

Plane passenger shaming shows you the faces of (recycled) oxygen thieves

Posted on September 20, 2014

“You don’t know what that’s touched! So you shouldn’t touch it!” This on-airplane advice I get from my dad all the time can now officially be met with: “You’re wrong. And you’re 100% right. Respectively.” Because now, thanks to a beautiful new trend called “passenger shaming”, I know exactly what my tray tables, seats, and headrests have touched. And it makes me wish I could fly while I fly –.. Read More

They see me scowlin’…they mandatin’

Posted on September 20, 2014

Ever been told “you should smile” – by anyone? Once upon a time, it was indirectly said to me – by a boss I had. He sent me an article about how it “takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile”. Not one to miss a chance to spar in my favorite game of passive aggression, I replied, “Great article! I was hoping they’d add this other related.. Read More

Lauren Morelli’s sapphic epiphany and why marriage is dumb.

Posted on September 19, 2014

So, Orange Is The New Black creator, Lauren Morelli, dumped her hubby. After a sudden Sapphic epiphany. And now she’s dating an actress on the show. (To be fair, even straight girls wanna date Poussey. It’s like when Katherine Moennig played “Shane” on Showtime. It’s not the sex – it’ s the X-factor.) Ya know, this is the stupid thing about labels. When I was queef deep in marathon sessions.. Read More

Science kills people to study out of body experiences? Awesome.

Posted on September 19, 2014

Ever had an out of body experience? No, not one’a those. I mean a legit, can’t-blame-the-drugs-for-this-one style “is this real life?” moment. My first one came about a week or two ago while waking up. And my best non-dramatic description for a holy-fckk experience like that which you can’t well put into words is this: It was brief, it was weird, and I wasn’t a fan of it. The only.. Read More

Get your genius head out of your A.S.S.

Posted on September 19, 2014

Wanna head full of genius? Why not get it out of your A.S.S., then? That’s “Acquired Savant Syndrome”. And actually, no, I wouldn’t recommend going out of your way to obtain it because the requirements involve one freak accident head injury and one one-in-one-outlandish-figure chance of ending up with a crazy cash-inducing new skill like a few reported folks have in the past. For instance – remember that one dude.. Read More

Grief to go: deadsy drive-throughs may be smartest thing ever.

Posted on September 17, 2014

We don’t hafta get off our asses to eat McDonald’s, order Starbucks, or even do banking. So why should we be bothered to do it while paying respects to the dead? That’s what one Michigan dude wondered, too. And then he made a whole business out of the eternal question we’ve been asking ourselves since the dawn of obligatory post mortem ceremonies: Why should I push pause on my life.. Read More

Ancient pre-Jesus computer found: Was it aliens? Or was it aliens?

Posted on September 17, 2014

Funny, I don’t remember this being on any episodes of Ancient Aliens. But a computer was yanked from the watery depths of a Roman ship that sunk in 60 B.C. Yes, I said a computer. (Oh, my dad has one of those in the basement. Pretty sure it runs on MS Dos with a black screen and yellow font.) The antikythera mechanism (called that because it was found inside a.. Read More

Urban Outfitters’ “Kent State” massacre shirts: not a political statement, but totally could’ve been.

Posted on September 17, 2014

Urban Outfitters’ “Kent State” blood-stained sweatshirt was recently yanked from shelves. My initial gut reaction was that it was horrible and callous they even made this sort of thing, regardless of how long it’s been since protestors were murdered by the National Guard. That feeling hasn’t changed – but as someone damned with non-linear thinking, my devil’s advocate has a strong voice that also wanted to analyze all sides and.. Read More