Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

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Silence of the Lambs: Why I’d’ve kicked ass as Agent Starling or the Fat Chick

Posted on March 1, 2015

While dancing in the mirror to Goodbye Horses and clutching a banana between my thighs today, I realized something. “Who knew penis envy was such an excellent adductor workout?” Once I got over my lack o’ phallus tears, three other things regarding Silence of the Lambs occurred to me – after having seen the movie for the quadrillionth time this week. The first had to do with that scene when.. Read More

Do we date based on mommy n’ daddy issues?

Posted on March 1, 2015

I swear there’s some divine digital synchronistic undercurrent guiding the interwebz. And today, it came in the form of a “Psychology Today” piece on how we pick the wrong people for us (right on the heels of my article about how we don’t pick bad people; our approach just needs work). Reviewing my thoughts – I still stand by them – but the article did kinda open my mind a.. Read More

This toddler just gave me my next million dollar idea

Posted on February 27, 2015

In a few years, I’ll be thanking this few-years-old kid for making me a billionaire: But first, some context for my product to be: Okay, so you know how people buy ridiculously overpriced gym memberships and never use them? I think I’ve ranted on that before – in a previous blog – how people feel like if they fork out money, they’ll be held accountable to actually get off their.. Read More

7 makeup tips from a former dungeon captive

Posted on February 27, 2015

“What’s that on your face? Take it off!” As a blossoming young sixth grader, I was chastised the first time I attempted to apply my own slutty eye liner. “What else are you doing that I wouldn’t approve of?!” In retrospect, it was probably in part because I used the only thing I had – a melted mock makeup crayon from a princess play kit I’d dusted off from five.. Read More

Pain is just pleasure on deck

Posted on February 27, 2015

Pain can be good for you, so they say. I don’t mean the chronic where-the-fcck’d-this-come-from sting of sciatica or a piece of shrapnel raping the comfort of your days. That shit’s just soul sucking until you get a physiological fix up (or just a fix of the pharmaceutiful genre, which ultimately isn’t the answer, unless your five year plan is drug dependency peppered with hostile outbreaks in rage, and ultimately.. Read More

50 shades of voyeur: what I learned from a bootleg of everyone’s favorite softcore porn.

Posted on February 27, 2015

*Sigh* Hi, my name is Ashley and I’m a hypocritical liarpants. The other day I… I watched… 50 Shades of HolyShitCanIRewindLifeAndHavemyTimeBack Now, hear me out. Because I’d started up a bootleg of it, paused because the quality was awful, saw the J-Simp photo shoot, had an intrigue-stiffy-deflation from that, decided not to watch, and then… finally… started seeing a shiz ton of other content makers who’d bravely sat through it.. Read More

WCW on a FRI: Crush on Amy Purdy as she crushes life’s balls.

Posted on February 27, 2015

This week’s tardy crush day (FemaleCrushFriday?) we all gather to adore: Amy Purdy. I saw an article on the purty Miss Purdy several months ago while thumbing through a hair salon magazine – and even the short mini-piece was awe inspiring enough for me to remember her name and recognize her when her Oprah interview aired this week. This.Bish.Is.Amazing. As a massage therapist and snowboarder, she was just living her.. Read More

Frocktical illusion: Ever hear this many men argue over fashion?

Posted on February 27, 2015

Move over, “Is there god?” “Are there aliens?” “What happens when we die?” There’s a new… gown in town. Nobody cares about the larger existential questions regarding the universe anymore. All we want to know is: what the actual fluck color is this frock gone viral? It’s madness. I saw the thing pop up on James Franco’s Instagram late last night, and by the morning, the apocalypse was well under.. Read More

Does online dating make you superficial?

Posted on February 23, 2015

So, it looks like I’m on a VICE binge this week. Today’s? One on how superficial online dating makes you. Now, I can’t say what that’s like. I’ve met one guy online that ended ultimately in a hookup once in my life – in the land before MySpace (we had this thing called CampusHook back when I was starting out in colleg-…Jesus I sound old. Abort. ABORT! Close parentheses in.. Read More

On deck documentaries: “Approaching the Elephant”

Posted on February 23, 2015

Next on deck for films that won’t be a total waste of time to watch? The documentary on “free schools” called “Approaching The Elephant”. Back in high school, I remember seeing this one Justin Long movie where he creates a college based around, well, basically whatever the kids who come there feel like doing. It sounds like a fun idea in theory (and, technically, not terribly different from how actual.. Read More