How “self-confident” are you?
No – rather – how do you define self-confidence in the first place?
That was a question I had to think about after reading this Gallup survey on “self-confidence” in our culture. Blacks and Hispanics seemed to feel better about their appearance, while Caucasians (except the elderly) did not – especially teens and middle-aged folk.
But I don’t think this is self-confidence in the “grrrll, I look gooood” sense so much as self-awareness.
When you’re self-aware, your priorities change a lil bit.
And there’s nothing like the prospect of death looming around the corner to bullet train you into that headspace. Who would be good examples of this? Those approaching their golden years. When your next holiday is gonna be a Sunrise funeral home layover en route to the tombstone suites, that whole generativity-versus-stagnation thing kicks in, too. Maybe not for the wolf o’ wall street ilk, but more often than not, that craving to do more than collect crap like Halloween candy sets in around the same time arthritis does.
(Also, I’d like to try and speak for the poor-people-not-being-treated-as-relevant-in-this-study: if you happen to be poor and never know where your next meal’s coming from, my guess is that keeping up with Armenian socialites reveals itself as the ridiculous misplaced value it undeniably is and confidence aligns a bit less with the Hollywood barometer.)
As for black and Hispanic groups? I can’t speak for a race I don’t belong to (and even if I did, one doesn’t represent the whole). However, as an outsider who’s worked in the medical field around all sorts of different racial groups, I can make a couple small observaches: More of the African Americans than whites I’ve met seem to have a deeper sense of spirituality and less lost-in-my-own-little-anxious-world-ness I see with middle aged white ladies. As for the Spanish-speaking patients I’ve worked with? Many tend to bring their families in with them – a testament to the values and support of a family-centric culture. Could this something-bigger-than-me connection to spirituality and family have something to do with feeling beautiful? A different definition of what self-confidence is? To something more intrinsic?
Which, sadly, brings us to to my homies, the honkies. Again, can’t speak for the whole. But it seems like part of why we are so not self-confident superficially is because unlike wine, we don’t age well – surprising considering so many of us drink so much of it. We must’ve missed the #doingitwrong memo on that one.
Also, most of the white folk I’ve met are more “religious” than spiritual.
They talk at you with a closed mind, a furrowed brow, and judgey eyes – more concerned about gaining converts like they’re Twitter followers than actually caring about the purpose behind what they’re doing. Why would I want to join a club when the recruiters look wracked with anxiety about winning souls? This is just the whole “he who dies with the most toys” repackaged and branded with a cross.
And then after you’ve godlessly followed a religion you reluctantly joined, you start to live in fear of becoming a grumpy raisin nobody loves anymore. But who can blame you? When everyone laughs at the elderly and sticks ‘em in a home – versus revering them for all the epic shit they’ve seen and done – that’s a terrifying prospect, isn’t it? So, no. We don’t feel self-confident as middle age approaches. We’re about to become geriatric pariahs of society and we only have a god we believe in when there are people in pews next to us balancing their checkbooks and ignoring the sermon. All that amounts to is worry furrows instead of laugh lines (gonna get one or the other, either way #sorryboutit).
Plus, if you’ve got kids while you’re going through this mid-life-lose-your-shit twister of selfishness and vanity, then they’re double fccked. They’ve got media telling them to avoid looking old as you’re freaking out into a bottle of benzos and going in for the Leatherface special everytime the botox wears off. That’s their reality. Of course they don’t feel confident. They’re being told self-confidence is a thing that can’t last.
Those capable of seeing this cultural game for what it is, can grow laugh lines from the elevated sidelines – watching the anxiety match below, and serenely sighing. You can’t force other people to change, but you can show them that “self-confidence” doesn’t come from a trip to Saks or the salon. That shiz doesn’t last (as my rapidly growing out roots can confirm.)
One way comes by easing into acceptance in older age (happy old people rock).
Another is by becoming self-aware enough earlier to look at the lie, laugh in its face…
…and make up our own fcking rules about “self-confidence”.
