Ever get your rocks off while stoned?
(That’s right. We’re starting with a zinger today.)
No, of course not. Because pot makes you lazy (see: generalization based on men I should have never dated). But wouldn’t it be great if you could combine the highs of natural, primal ecstasy with whatever it is in weed that people seem to like and I can’t relate to? Well, your prayers have been answered.
In the form of sexytime lube.
Indeed, a company called Foria is giving new meaning to “hot boxing” with their recent innovation – a THC containing lubricant. Unfortunately for you dudes, it looks like the dumb puns stop right before I can work in a “smoking the pole” one liner. Why? ’cause this seems to work best on the ladyfolk – what with the 15 minute multiple orgasms it claims to offer. Also, it’s combined with coconut oil, making it safe to ingest if you’re feeling generous (while getting in a round of oral bacterial extraction #multoungetasking)
The site explained the very scientific reason for how it works thusly:
“The product works specifically for women because of the very sensitive and absorbent membrane of the vagina and entire vulva — inner and outer labia and clitoris included.”
Wait… Absorbent? Drugs can vaj-sorb?
I was just about to say how this would have been very helpful information during my more chemical cosmonaut days, but with my specific preference genre of toxins, I’d have done just as well sitting on a block of ice. I’d get the same ultimate numbing effect and it’d probably be cheaper – albeit sans the euphoria. But while Foria’s coochie cannibus does induce euphoria… each bottle goes for around $88. Plus you need a doctor’s order.
Yeah, that’s too much effort and I’m not even a lazy stoner. Imagine getting hooked on this and then being too torpid to go get more. That sounds like the most torturous addiction ever. Don’t get me wrong, I still think weed’s the cat’s pot-jamas for lots of people. It’s a good, natch alternative to some of the other shiz out there and I haven’t met many angry fiend-y stoners before.
But it’s just not my thing. Also, let’s revisit that 15 minute stat for a sec. I don’t want any spasms going on for a quarter of an hour – even the old nether-quakes. Just not natural. Sounds painful, even.
So, my personal vote is in:
Gonna “pass-pass” on the poon puff oil.
#famouslastwords