Miss Ashley Pants

Results are in. I’d only ten percent get dead in the desert.

Let’s see if you are any better ‘n me:

The answer is B. Or 2. Shelter from the elements. It’s just as cold at night as it is boiling by day in the desert, so protection from the sizzling sun and hypothermic chill alike are of utmost importance. As you can see from the still, Franco is super committed to his newfound shelter.

You thought it was snakes, didn’t you? Nope. C – Dehydration’s the answer. That and heatstroke is the shit you’ll die from first, most likely. Unlike Virginia, where we’ll drown just by breathing the sticky August air, desert heat is super dry and hits quick.

Alright, shit gets weird here. So, the answer’s A – The head – ‘cause that’s the thermostat of your body. But, my whole thing is, the answer actually given on the site goes on to say, “to help cool down, improvise a sun hat. If you have a T-shirt, tear open one seam, urinate on the material, then wrap the damp cloth around your head, turban style.”

What did I expect? That’s Bear’s answer for everything. He’s not happy till you’re in your own urine.

Answer? At the base of a canyon, in the middle of a delusional dream sequence about a swimming pool. Actually, the answer is the base of a canyon – specifically “or rock outcropping, where you’ll also find shade and vegetation”

The answer is: None. Send some bitches in to scout it out for safety, like ovary filled canaries. But I guess C- throw rocks in the cave – is your next best bet. You throw rocks in so that any current inhabitants will know that’s their cue to GTFO. It’s your home now. Once you die of dehydration, THEN they can come back and have both a home and dinner for a week.

False – because they eat living things, they can get water from those. But insects are apparently a good sign that water’s nearby. Unless you’re, ya know, stuck between a rock and they start crawling on you just ‘cause they can.

Answer: Cook up some heroin and shoot it into your arm to make the snake taste better – which you should also cook before eating, by the way. Nada like a bad bout of reptilian bestowed parasitic diarrhea to speed up the whole dying process.

(The next question is the insect question, which we already answered. If you’re not stuck in a rock and you hear ‘em rustling, there’s probably water in proximity to your lost ass.)

Answer: Try this face:

If that fails (and you’re not already dying of a poison snake bite because I’m pretty sure it will fail), then stomp your feet. They’re not a fan of the vibes and will about fang in the other direction.

Give up. That, or keep following it. It might lead to water – especially if you see vegetation around. Good sign that you shouldn’t lay down and let the winged squawking gargoyles have atchya just yet.

Take it off. Take everything off completely and leave it behind.

Slow down, Texas Chainsaw. Take a joke. Answer is: NO. Bring that ish with ya. If you read the cave answer from a billion questions ago, you might have inferred it’ll be pretty important to have clothes later on when temps descend.

Yep. C’mon Franco. You’re gonna need that mouth spit later when your arm’s leaking vital fluids onto a boulder. Gryll’s says your grill had better stayed covered. It slows how fast dehydration happens (which incidentally happens from merely breathing). Covering your mouth with a bandana helps too.

So, why’d getting 90% of these right bother me? I guess the thing is that I know in the desert – once the panic set in of being lost, followed by rapid onset dehydration (and a princess mentality), I know I wouldn’t have my wits about me enough to remember any’a this ish.

Or a director to yell “cut!”