“I’ll just have leftovers…”

Ah, this shame filled phrase has followed many a regrettable night in my early twenties – after which I’d rise in the late afternoon, just barely reentering my body in time to watch the sun set and feel existential questions rise from deep down in my turning tummy. There’s a kind of guilt that goes with opening a mostly empty fridge. Hearing the low buzz. Seeing the white carry out box of Chinese noodles glaring back at you. Taunting you. It always made me feel like I was living out some vittle version of the Marion character in “Requiem for a Dream”. Laughing at my powerlessness from their second shelf residence, they always knew I’d return to them – the greased strings I’d purchased 24 hours prior. It was only a matter of time before I’d show up.

Ready in my runny whore makeup.

Prepared to gastronomically debase myself.

Such is the abusive cycle of delivery addiction.

(MONDAY):

(SATURDAY):

Times like these were dark.

The devil was never far away when I was desperate, weak, and jonesing with a visceral need for cold carb-y worms and all their glorious oil drenched headache fuel. And mayhaps a peppering of pathetic looking shriveled vegetables – just enough so that I can have a visual in my mind later when I lied to everyone, saying, “Oh, but it was healthy – ’cause it had broccoli.”

Alright, so Chinese leftovers may be loaded with not-good-for-you gunk.

But a recent science experiment has provided evidence that… it may be good?

In fact, some leftover orders may be better than a hot meal.

Particularly (wait for it) them greasy ass noodles.

Didn’t see that coming, huh?

But… cold noodles? Who the eff wants that? While the answer to that is “some people”, “some people who hate themselves,” and “some people who don’t plan for it to stay down long enough after last night’s bacchanalia to bother reheating it,” they might do well to go the extra mile (inch) and reheat it (press three buttons). Because according to (still in the preliminary stages, not yet peer reviewed) science on this matter, cold noodles might be better for you than freshly boiled ones – but cooled and reheated noodles are even better.

What happens is that some of the carbohydrates break down as the noodles cool (into something called “resistant starch”) so the end product ultimately acts more like fiber in your system (instead of sky-rocketing your sugar levels). And when you reheat them again, they’ve already broken down (they don’t return to their OG state). Somehow (magic?) the reheated-cold-noodles gave subjects half the blood sugar spike. I couldn’t find a straight answer why, but maybe it breaks them down even further by sticking ‘em in the scramble machine?

So, my collegiate reprobates, there’s no more need to add today’s salt of your self-loathing tears to yesterday’s lo-mein. Or to bother even getting those dishes in the future with any tokenistic veggie afterthoughts hiding between the starchy tangles (like the few marshmallows that are actually ever inside a bowl of Lucky Charms. Effing leprechaun liar).

Just eat it cold, enjoy, and waste nothing.

Even the bits that fall into your own face follicles.

#SafetyNet #SnackForLater #LeftoversLevel:Inception

And if you want to really feel like you’ve accomplished something today, put it in the magical nuke box and know that the calorie reduction that follows that beeping timer totally justifies the fact you didn’t work out this week.

(Unless what you did at the frat house last night counts.)

Since my own Maid Marion traipse of shame to the fridge mornings are long behind me, I’m sadly more geekcited over the science side’a this. So, natch, I’mma go steal my poor diabetic mother’s stabbing gear and run and experiment of my own: What’s the blood sugar diff between boiled versus nuked noodles – after they’re both cooled?

And then reheated again?

Any ravenous volunteers for this study?