Sigh.
Another romantic comedy, another cliche blog entry comprised of me saying “I’m not going to end up happy at the end like she does because life’s not really like a movie”
Right?
Eh… only in part. I mean “What’s Your Number” touches on as many “it’s funny ’cause it’s true” elements, as it does the typical montage-that-never-happens-IRL scenes.
Yes, I’ve performed the opening scene before:
Yes, I’ve eaten a block of cheese before:
Yes, I’ve had this happen to me before:
The bad news on that one? He wasn’t kissing me when it happened… :/
Digressing, as usual… fact is: while the past two years have been a near Henry David Thoreau experience for me (for you idiots, I’m saying I’ve been extremely antisocial), I still don’t think that the “real life” message of the movie that does ring true for most of my friends, applies to me. You know? The one you see play out on your Facebook NewsFeed all the time:
“Oh, she’s getting married? Good for her! She dated a lot of assholes first, but I’m glad she found the right guy!”
Truth is, I don’t want to share my place, life, time, or self.
I mean, even before my life gave way to the shit fest of pain and misery and subsequent reclusive nature it has become, I remember having anxiety attacks over letting a guy spend the night at my place, much less stay for a week, or worse – cohabitate with me over an indefinite amount of time:
What if he stays too long? What if he takes up too much of the bed? What if I don’t like him a few days in? How do I kick him out of my house? What if he makes the coffee too weak? What if he doesn’t respect my dog?!
The absolute truth is…wait… I’d say “spoiler alert”, but come on. It’s a romantic comedy with Ana Faris. What do you think is gonna happen really?
Anyway, the “we’re all different” cliche takes on a new meaning here: While that rich handsome guy she almost ends up with wouldn’t be for me, neither would that “rough-around-the-edges” musician most girl-characters do at the end of the movie, “Allie Darling” included.
You see, for me me, the story would have ended about halfway through the movie: The scene where the wannabe politician asks Allie to be his “beard”. Don’t know what a beard is? Neither did I! It’s a fake “wife” to make a gay politician look straight:
What could be better?! What in the world more could I ASK for?!
So, instead of giving you my sexual partner number, my answer to “What’s Your Number?” is going to be the number of reasons why “Ashley Darling” would have “just said yes” to being a beard. And that number is 10:
1. I don’t have to have sex with you.
2. I don’t have to share a bed with you (unless we’re on travel together; that might look suspicious).
3. We can compare guy stories together over home pedicures.
4. When we go out for dinner or cocktails together, we really will be enjoying eachother’s company because I’m your fruitfly; wife in name only – not ball and chain.
5. I won’t have to have a job to rely on income.
6. I won’t look like an old maid to all my peers.
7. I get to be a bride without the annoying “will the novelty wear off” crap, because there never was any novelty!
8. I can have the security of a house and home without being a homemaker.
9. And, the kicker: I don’t have to have kids!
10. Okay, I don’t have a ten – but I will use this opportunity to say that I’m not going to let you have rear entry rights when the stocks are down.
2012… Application for Beard Status: Miss AshleyPants ~ Arm Candy Extraordinaire.
xoxo
<3~A