So… one courageous volunteer group is giving new meaning to the term “handicapped”. Like, as in, their hands on your mushroom cap… if you’re disabled and mayhaps can’t DIY. The rundown is that it’s a bunch of people who volunteer to do “second base” kinda stuff for those whose physical setbacks preclude them from having normal reaches or even takin curr’a bidniz themselves (like if you’ve got a muscle waste-y.. Read More
I’m in love with a corpulent Ukrainian
“Can I have the breast pillow?” Typical question to ask. If you’re a chick. And if you’re walking into the back of Massage Envy while inquiring about supportive accessories that’ll make your lady accessories comfortable while laying down during your session (they aren’t huge, but I can’t relax the backs of my shoulders if my chesticles are vexed). A less typical reply? The one that followed, issued by my portly.. Read More
Detoxes work ’cause they detoxify dollars outta your bank account.
So, today’s the second time in a week that I’ve heard detoxes are bullshit. (Well, specifically, they’ve all been titled “Why Detoxes Don’t Work”) So, naturally, I wonder if that’s accurate or not. Something else I wonder is: what does this fascinating piece of body language mean? (Is that, like, all the shit being shepherded from your colon’s sides? By bits of detox juice?) Reading over this argument, the claim.. Read More
Activate Plan B
I’ve been putting off sharing this shitty update for a few days. Because: pride. (Get it? Lion? Pride? Eh? Eh?! Moving on.) I’ve wanted to get into this PTA (physical therapist assistant) program for a bit now. Ya know, so I can play magical messiah, lay hands on people, and have them cry and shake and bow before me (‘cause that’s totally what it’s like). Back here in reality, I.. Read More
Apparently I’m the mad hatter IRL
My dad always says to open with a joke. So we’ll start with one I just made: Patron to waiter: “Knock knock.” Waiter: “Who’s there?” Patron: “Chamomile.” Waiter: “Chamomile who?” Patron: “Chamomile come any faster? I’m starving…” *Ba dum tissss* (Surely that’s been made up somewhere, sometime prior to now. But we’ll pretend it wasn’t.) My ridiculous opener is meant to illustrate one of my most salient character defects: impatience… Read More
Not sure if fail… or win.
You never know where the clickable online rabbit hole will take you after a long day. Like where I ended up the other night while sitting down for some mindless interwebz after going a million miles a second all day from sunup to sundown: watching this ridiculous video. Its title was something like: “Tips for how to make a man adore you.” You might think I was hoping to pick.. Read More
Next level web spying? Or technological serendipity?
You know, the current gov’ment spy level is unsettling as it is. It’s bad enough when you log into YouTube or Facebook and are suddenly greeted with a sidebar or interjected ads about that thing you were just Googling yesterday. It’s like the evil “delete browser history” workaround – which we all think we’re so smart when we do, until your matriarch wife hops on your laptop for some research.. Read More
Who says ridiculous talk shows aren’t insightful?
I realized three things when I mistakenly turned from the news to Dr. Phil today: 1.) Why am I watching this? (less a realization; more a serious moral self-inquiry, really.) 2.) He’s kinda just Jerry Springer with more credentials and less hair. 3.) I now get the real reason I’m not married or planning to be anytime soon. You see, the show was on cheaters, mistresses, and the like. IKR?.. Read More
Of course nut.
Louis CK has this great bit that he does-…. (Okay. Okay. I know I always reference him, but bear with me – ‘cause you’ll like this one….) So, he has this bit where he plays an appallingly delightful devil’s advocate about serious issues. And it’s appalling for the same reason it’s delightful and funny: ‘cause it’s true. It starts with an “Of course ABC should happen – because it’s morally.. Read More
This vibrator necklace must be a joke…
The latest sex-cessory by “Crave” is a necklace that gives new meaning to “ribbed pleasure” Because while you wear it over your ribs in public… you pleasure yourself with it in private: (Is it just me or does the peripheral view of this thing look kinda like where its meant to actually go?) Indeed. This Valentine’s day, your soul mate and potential father of your children (though you may not.. Read More