So… I’m interviewing for a P.T. job tomorrow.

And I’ve already got the jitters.

Naturally, I’m trying to curb it with some literary unleashing – to get my mind off any anxiety – and all I’m seeing is link after link about (what else but) interview tips. Everything from what they’ll ask to how to carry yourself to “make eye contact but not Christian Grey level eye contact”. So, in one of those super rare moments of self-awareness and actually doing what I always tell other people to do – I launched headfirst into the thing I’ve been avoiding all day. By clicking on a fun Distractify article comprised of infographics on a buncha questions we all hope to never get asked by a potential employer.

Although hilarious, at first it didn’t seem terribly helpful for interview prep.

But that’s where I was wrong. ‘cause as someone who likes to solve problems – even hypothetical ones I’ll likely never hafta face – these made me wonder what I myself would say. In fact, I found myself actually coming up with answers I’d employ to the employer as a similar-themed reply. You’re welcome to use them, if you like. ’cause I’m here to help!

For instance, with this…

What would you say?

I was thinking:

“Are you kidding, that’s why I signed up for this gig!

In fact, I was kinda hoping I could work up to whatever they’re doing in the next five years…

Which should answer at least one of your stock questions on that list you’re reading from…”

“Oh, no. Never that. I’ll just set it up to repeat the call automatically.”

“But… I AM wearing makeup, you monster!”

I’d’ve left too. But seeing as it’s med school, I’d’ve also had some fun before I did:

“That’s a great question, Bob.

I myself didn’t know the answer until the other day when we were working on cadavers in class. He pulled back the sheet on this one beauty and my mind was immediately made up. Man, you haven’t known love till you’ve seen two deflated blue C cups laying side by side like twin pin popped birthday balloons. I’ll never settle for less so long as I live.

How about you?”

“Um, like…

…the fact that it and societal technology overuse overall has prompted people to ask that kinda question?”


*pause to confirm confused reaction*

“Wait… I’m sorry. This is my fault; I should have clarified. When I wrote “Indian” on my application, I meant Indian OCEAN. Which is where I’m from. See, I sold my voice to grow legs so I could marry the prince I was stalking, then we slayed the seawitch and regained my laryngeal capabilities just in time for this interview.

Lucky, right?

Samesis. But not before entering a password they’re more than welcome to try:


“Wait… are you… (*in hushed voice*) HIM? In flesh form? And did I… fail?”

(*start crying, frantically looking around, and whining in high pitch*)


(*mount the Xerox machine and rip open blouse buttons in one, swift motion, thrusting chest skyward*)


That’s good.

Also good might be:

“I DON’T make cheese.”

I’d express my concern:

“That’s a rather expensive hobby, darling. You sure you can afford my services here?”

I wasn’t prepared either.

So mine’d go something like this:

“Frogger! Pac Man! Batman!”

(*stop abruptly; quietly study interviewer’s face through squinted eyes to determine if any of these answers are acceptable*)

“Worst case scenario, we turn fired fatty’s former top into a Lacoste dress.

Best case scenario, clients’ll be attracted to the polo version of a Hooter’s uniform.

Lucky for you, I look fantastic in both’a them.”

(*Admittedly funnier if you look like Fortune Feimster. Or are a dude.*)

“I WOULD like to go on a date! In fact, that’s why I made one on Tinder before I scheduled this interview.

Stress relief. Blow some steam off the ol’ estrogen tank with a rando. You know the routine.

Anyway, thanks! See you Monday!”

(*serious tone*) “You have a machine that can do that?”

“Wait… can it do the opposite?

‘cause screw the rest of this interview; I’d just like you to pay my husband a visit instead….”

“Depends – am I throwing the liquid part at her, or the actual mugs?”

(*pause while he makes the Chloe-at-Disneyland face before proceeding*)

“Wait – are headshots allowed?”

Well that was fun.

Glad the doors of my constantly slamming brain stayed open long enough to give this a click.

Good luck and happy interviewing, all!