Oh, lawd…

McDonald’s reimagining of the Hamburglar is an even bigger fail than I’d anticipated.

Yet, it’s going to succeed cuzza how they’re employing this giant wad of facepalm.

(I hate to encourage them by embedding this, but I reluctantly am ’cause it’s relevant)

Because they decided to GQ-ize the chisel faced food felon stylistically, they of course ended up having to overdo his accessories in order to remind you that you’re fapping to a golden arched fast food lover (the hope being that morphs into fap food when you eventually associate sex-desire with food-desire). And there’s def no shortage of over the top burger themed accoutrements with that “just got off’a work” fitting tie and iphone case – both celebrating the his specific food fixation. As contrived as all’a that is, what’s even more fun is how far we’ve come from the 80’s version. I mean, sure, it was still pretty bad when the porky and cartoony manifestation of the grub mugger was turning things like healthy, fresh tree fruit into greasy ass McBurgers. But here, we’re straight up condoning deceit and sneaking around and lying to his wife.

Still… there’re several smart things I’ll admit McD’s is doing here.

Let’s count the ways McD’s is trying to manipulate you now that they’re floundering.

1.) Intrigue

First with the ad itself: the constant interruption (with the cell phone) in this ad creates a curious feeling in the viewer’s brain – that desire for resolution and closure of half-delivered information. Draw them in. Make them want to know what’s so spesh about this sirloin thing. Make them come to you via Twitter and Snapchat – and then carry on with the intrigue with those “Wanted” posters creating an imaginary hunt for wherever else the kitchen convict may be hiding.

2.) The Blindfolds

Much like with sunglasses, we assume a person’s hotter than they are when we can imagine they have perfectly proportioned eyes hidden underneath an optical awning of some sort (thus, Hamburglar can be everyone’s “type”). Also, they reinforce my “selling sex” point because blindfolds are kinda reminiscent of one of those role play sex games you’d do when your marriage is starting to fizzle – where your husband sneaks into the house pretending to burgle your ham. (“If he and his wife are resorting to role-play, maybe I have a chance with Hamburglar… Maybe he’d be at my local McDonald’s… if it wasn’t boarded up…because they’re losing money… and that’s why they’re selling sex to me…?”)

3.) The Social Media Takeover

This is smart because everyone who’s got a great big wettie over this bowler capped ginger can delude themselves into think they’re actually interacting with a handsome mysterious crook of carryout (who’s somehow not corpulent). Funny thing about this is that the reality-removal is multitudinous in nature. Much like “The Notebook”’s Noah or who/whatever Rob Patt was in that “16 and Pregnant with a Vampire” movie, you’re obvi not dealing with a real personality that exists anywhere. He goes home and probably hides the kinda things from his wife you’d expect – like furtive fantasy baseball meetings and the last three babysitters’ bodies under the crawlspace of the house. He’s an actor. (Also, like Jake’s voice actor from Adventuretime wouldn’t eat bacon pancakes, I bet HB never eats McD’s IRL). But, just remember, I can prettymuch guarantee the guy who plays the character isn’t handling the Twitter account. The human version of Cartman a la that World of Warcraft episode is.

So flirtatious character tweets are nonsensical.

Unless, obviously, they’re this:

They’ve done so well with this that I even got caught up in the fantasy myself.

For example, the whole time I’m watching that ad and not paying attention to the actual consumer content (I had to rewind three times to notice there was even a sirloin in the frame), I was thinking one thing. And that’s that I can’t help but feel sorry for the poor wife. I mean, she probably thought she was getting some kinda Kinky Christian Grey character with a fetish for fast food when she saw all those ties and blindfolds in his armoire.

Instead, she just got this deceptive dude who’s never home and loves cow more than Hindus do.

See? Totally, preposterously, unforgivably involved.

But it’s still not enough to make me pay or nick their shit-to-go.

And I invite you not to either.

‘cause much like their revamped dapper snack stealer, their food’s not real.