I keep looking over this eggplant emoji and trying to figure out why IG might ban it:

Actually, I know why they banned it. Because: penis.

A year or two ago, when I was just discovering the dark side of Insta’s hashtag function, I found amongst the plethora of pill pushers and Russian prostitutes (probably not there voluntarily) a litany of of lady clams and pork swords. People really wanted to show their stuff off. There were full on masturbatory videos so close up you could almost smell the stank through your screen, that it left me slack-jawed, a little afraid, and wanting to raise my hand to ask the teacher, “IS THIS ALLOWED?!”. Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m no prude. Or a stranger to the kind of entertainment that looks like glazed hams and bratwursts being manually assaulted. All’s I’m saying is that, after being used to using the app to validate myself with likes, enjoy serene landscapes in countries I’ll never see, or infuse my consciousness with thinspiration from anorexic models, it was just a bit of a shock to suddenly see dong dispersing sperm all over IG the way I dispersed shameless selfies. Startling. Unexpected. Like the time I bit into a suspicious looking glob of avocado only to learn it was actually a special brand of tongue magma called “wasabi” (and then fell in love with it thereafter- because: masochist.) Unfortunately the simile ends well before that bit ’cause IG amateurs look more like they might be filming their smut from under a bridge, where they live – and nada like your typical trip-x material.

But I suppose what I really wanna know is how anyone looks at that fruit and thinks “peen” first thing?

I mean, I’ve seen a dong look like that exactly once. (Know when to take off your schvantz scrunchees, kids!)

Other than that, the only other dude whose dong looks like that 24/7 is Batman’s antagonist:


(Shoosh with the produce talk, Jo! Before they ban that too!)

And why’d an eggplant become the universal dong-icon (phonetically, that should sound almost like “Donkey Kong”)? Versus, I dunno, banana? Bit racist, isn’t it? Considering the golden fruity phallic emoji isn’t banned? Why not equally exile all of the races in the digital produce aisle? And, not to wax femmi-food-nazi, but why’s the taco hashtag search not been shut down yet? Which I assume – that or the peach, which also remains uncensored – is the universal vaj-icon? (“Oh, great, Ashley; You complain when they take down the period blood stain pics ‘cause it’s natural – and now you want them to take down the equally natch snatch shots? Make up your damned mind!”) It just seems weird is all – some being shunned, but not others. Hey, maybe it’s an egg-language racist thing (Eggplant = Black dude peen; Eggroll = Asian peen; Non-egg-sistent = White boy peen…?) Or maybe they will start banning all’a them, and it’s just that censoring stuff has to happen slowly so the public can acclimate. Ease it in.

Just like an eggplant.

(Or maybe they need to just filter out the fckking porn uploads better.)