Now that a person who won millions of dollars just made news, it’s time to start comparing our smile-ometers.

Ya know, so that we can carry on living without murdering ourselves spontaneously for being poor.

So let’s consult the retro-experts on jackpot happiness:

“Levels of overall happiness spiked upon winning, but returned to normal levels within a few months, and that long-term happiness for winners wasn’t significantly different from those who never won the lottery at all.”

This li’l tidbit comes from a survey that was taken all the way back in the era when Hugh Hefner was dating Barbie Benton and the rest of the lineup for his magazine were still was rocking the thicket thongs. And, clearly, not much has changed since the 70’s because I’ve seen many a “lottery curse” documentary or horror story arise in the past few years as well. But is it really a “mo’ money, mo’ problems” thing? Does adding money to a formula lower happiness – regardless of where you start out? Or could the preexisting formula be the main indicator dictating how serene your psychological forecast’ll be? Like, if you’re not happy to begin with, it’s the same hurdle you face prescribing any other external good (food, drugs, sex) to an internal problem? I tend to think that’s it: you can handle a few extra dead prezes if you’re not dead yourself inside. Maybe people who’ve got their stuff together can handle it. And I don’t mean everything from finances to love life – I mean basic priorities.

Like this mom from North Carolina who just won a share of the $564 million jackpot.

(Technically she only gets a little under $188 mill. Pshh. What bullshit, amIright? I mean, what can I do with that cat shit pocket change I wouldn’t even bother to pick up if I’d dropped it at the ATM?)

Despite the shade I internally throw whenever I see someone who’s not me win the lottery I didn’t even play myself by buying a ticket (#logical), this bish really did deserve it. Because if we’re talking about “priorities” being in line, this woman just made the tough choice to leave the two jobs she’s been holding down to support her four kids ‘cause one of them has cerebral palsy. If working her ass off and being a good mom didn’t warrant her deserving this chunka change, then I think the fact that she donated part of that chunk to her church does. I mean, technically, it’s not what I’d do ‘cause I don’t trust the church – I’d find some other selfless service-y means to channel it into for my spiritual tithing; but the intention’s what makes me hate her a bit less for winning the lottery I didn’t even play. Good on her. Glad it was her instead of someone like that cab driver pedophile (who won just in time for a law to be passed where the victims would get nothing for emotional damage).

But, I’ll be honest.

No matter how lovely and saintly she is – had she bought that shit from the Wawa down the way from me?

Psshya… you can bet your ass I’d be singing a helluva different tune.

Ya know, it’s been about four decades since that “Is happiness relative” survey on lotto winners.

We should update this poll. Do a new one. Call it:

“How UNhappy are commoners as fortune smiles on fellow commoners and keeps streaming poverty diarrhea on me?”