When my niece was born, my brother was so enamored he’d literally do anything for her.
Pony? Yes.
Unicorn shitting a stream of rainbows? Why not.
Devise detailed plan to shrink the moon and steal it from the heavens? Absolutely.
Unfortunately, my father-of-the-year brother may have some stiff competition, though. And from a fellow Virginian, no less. Jeriamiah Heaton’s 7-year-old daughter Emily said she wanted to be a princess – after he’d told his kids they could be anything. And in an effort that was equal parts heartwarming and mildly retarded, he made exactly that happen… by traveling to Africa, finding an unclaimed piece of land, and sticking his offspring designed tiara-and-stars flag in it. Naming himself king, Emily was thus… a princess.
Not a play pretend princess.
Not a burger king crown princess.
But a real princess… of “North Sudan”.
Heaton said he wanted to prove his sentiments:
“I will literally go to the ends of the earth to make their wishes and dreams come true.” And this is why he traveled all the way to the border between Egypt and Sudan in search for Bir Tawil – a region that’s technically considered “unclaimed land”.
So… techinically… yes. It’s up for grabs. But there’s a lil more red tape than that, my friend. According to a U. Richmond professor whose business is borders and nations and all of that garbage – there’d need to be recognition from bordering countries or the UN before Mr. Heaton becomes King Heaton, father of Princess Emily. And while he probably should have already known stuff like this (having run for congress before and all) that’s probably also why he got… ya know… rejected.
And since that exact “princess” mentality is exactly why we ‘murcans are the object of international detest, I don’t see the desired approval nod from the new neighbors happening. At all. We may not be the only nation who esteems self-adulation, individuality, and lookit-me-ness to the point where it’s detrimental to social well-being and the planet itself. But… all’s I’m saying’s that if there were an earth-wide competition, well…
At least we’d be king of that. Or princess. Whatever.
Sidenote. What if they did pass this in a crazy plot twist? And Emily forgets (as happens with kids’ fleeting wishes)? And decades from now, the Princess Diaries happens IRL to her great-grand-brat?
While the intentions are sweet an’ all, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t experiencing so much eyeroll that I look like Oprah having a seizure. Kids don’t need things. They do need you to do stuff for them – but it’s the kinda stuff that teaches them how to be better human beings versus entitled lil shits.
Are you sure you covered love lessons before skipping to the chapter on manifest destiny?
