Jesus, they’re really floundering, Mc-Dee’s, aren’t they?

I mean, first it was the too-late all-day breakfast offer after a million and four light years of people begging for it and not getting it. Then, more recently, it was them suddenly jumping on that whole delivery bandwagon – beginning with a few New York locales. And now? Now they’re going after the affable cartoony characters – starting with the Hamburglar. Apparently, the formerly porky ginger’s been hitting the gym betwixt his random acts of grand theft ‘Donald’s. I haven’t seen any full length commercials yet, but so far what we’ve got is what’s being dubbed (by some newspaper and regurgitated by everyone else) the “Hipster Hamburglar”.

While the alliteration’s nice ‘n all, let’s call a thing a thing.

A McDonald’s eating hipster? Really? (“Were these burgers grass fed and free range? How about the bun – was it treated humanely?”) Naw. He’s just this hot and cool suburban dad who can impress his kids with his flipping skills. Which is fine. Gotta upgrade. But in their desperation, they’ve completely nixed the whole kid appeal altogether and all the magic of the retro robber of noms. Gone are the days of imaginative commercials with clown mediated lucid-daydreams about being a meat Midas:

Not anymore.

Here, watch this latest inception-tease (in that it’s just a preview and you don’t get to see his full face, ever):

(Convenient dude-version-of-upskirt shot so we can see them buns I’d like to robble)

Instead, they’ve summoned up the demons from the depths of the colorful ball pits to sell their product the same way their fast food competish like Carl’s Jr. (and about 99% of any other product seller, food or not) does: sex. A sexy, grizzled, dimpled DILF . To be fair, I can’t truly judge how he’s gonna be ‘cause I’ve only seen the teaser trailer (‘cause that’s all there is thus far). But that’s even worse. ‘cause where McD’s imagination may have been replaced with sex, the net’s already employing both’a those things in the meantime – the best way it knows how.

With memes.

I ain’t mad, though.

I see this as being close to that third ‘n final fist pump a drowning man does before plunging into the aqueous abyss for good. Just yesterday, I saw one store had finally shut down that’d been there since I was in middle school (at least). Boarded up and all. Made me smile. And I highly doubt this suburban sexy substitute is gonna help ‘em robble robble dollars outta folk for their shit food anymore. ’cause people are getting hip to the fact that a diet of their slop will make them opposite of Hamburglar-reprisal’s hotness level.