“I imagine Eva would stand a good distance away and lift her skirt…
And then there would be some sort of soggy climax on Hitler’s part.
And that would be that.”
These words (which sound a lot like a cross between 7 Year Itch and the immaculate orgasm scene from 40 Days and 40 Nights) actually come from author-historian Martin Amis who’s been writing pieces on Hitler for a couple decades now. I have to admit, I was just as drawn in reading this as the worst of them. And, immediately, I began drawing parallels between the abstinence of holy figures and asexuality of control freak fuhrers.
As I was reading this thing, I totally didn’t expect to be surprised Hitler never got down, as the historian details. The dude does, after all, seem like the type who’s too stiff to get a stiffy. But, to be fair, the author who wrote this thing wasn’t there when these things happened. Plus, didn’t he have two daughters? If some of the starchy looking politicians or porcelain celebrities I’ve seen can surrender their control enough to climax for just a moment – so can this guy. Plus, he was a despot – obsessed with power. So even if he was kinda frigid, someone like that, given the chance to breathe life into a mini-me extension of themselves, isn’t gonna give let a bit of body consciousness stop ’em.
I suppose what people want is to humanize these seemingly extreme characters in history.
And we do that by conjuring up ridiculousness or believing it when other people do. Thing is, when someone like you or me has been raised up in importance, we don’t just want to take them down from the pedestal and make them like you or I anymore. It’s not punishment enough. Now that they’re otherworldly, their flaws have to be otherworldly too. Weirder than yours or mine. Like ejaculating over a lifted skirt (which is actually not that weird – but also not the weirdest Hitler tale I’ve heard).
Thus, history-writers try to find some quirky, equalizing factor between both notorious and messianic idols when they tell their tales. Hitler wouldn’t even disrobe for his physician’s medical assessment, while Jesus hung out with hookers. Neither had sex because it was impure (germ-wise for the holocaust king and soul-wise for self-proclaimed heaven king).
But we don’t have to get fictional to see how human people like these are.
It’s simpler than that.
We only need subtract the element of elevated status.
Imagine you’re Jesus: When you’re trying to be spiritual and spread compassion and have apostles and stuff, sex can be a big distraction from all that. Not to mention – now you’ve got people following you around and looking up to you and stuff. How bad would it crucify your ethereal persona if you started humping your homegirl Mary Mag? That’s an image that’d be hard to resurrect. So, forking’s something holy folk tend to avoid. Or else they get it in on the sly.
Now, imagine you’re Hitler: You’re trying to reign over a country and you want them to see you as a robotic icon, fueled by an endless supply of steely resolve and rage. You want people attracted to and hypnotized by you, so you must seem confident at every step and devoid of human flaw. No room for error. Just a redoubtable sculpture sans cracks. So what do you do? You manufacture and refine that into being your public image. Just like a celebrity does for their fans. And if you’re already a control freak, the moment you gain that fame-status (not to mention if it comes with an empire), you tighten your leather gloved grip on it – because you’ll be damned if you’re gonna let it slip away. You won’t even let your physician see you naked (good thing too, seeing as he’s the type to spread details about your visits – like the fact that you won’t take off your clothes).
When you create an illusion and call it “you”, it’s all people have to go on.
So they fill in any gaps retrospectively with randomness and fantasy.
Consumers like extremes and things that tie together nicely for their little brains while authors and churches like money and control. So whether you’re writing a Hitler book or compiling the bible, you’re going to feed peeps whatever myth will make them pay in cash, compliance, or both. (As proof, I’m willing to pay to buy this book if they say the Hitler-fish-unicycle thing is true, complete with eye-witness accounts I have no way of fact-checking) In a way, I suppose, this is all just the same thing any celeb goes through.
The only diff: Neither A or J-man would have J-Law style nudies leaked of ‘em today.
But upskirt-Monroe style Eva?
That’s another story…