“No, Homo, bro…”
Since the dawn of… well, probably just midway through last year, guys have been utilizing this phrase to successfully express their approval of a same sex friend without the risk of emanating homosexuality.
As I’ve heard the exchange of this perplexing pleasantry in various situations- from beer stained bar stools, as they lament over ex lovers to one another, to the weight room at the gym – I have tossed around in my head what the advantage of such a curt message might be.
I mean, a few years ago, it was sufficient to just follow up any given comment of questionable sexual connotation, by addressing said friend as “brother”, in a deep Hogan-esque voice.
“You’re getting ripped there…BROTHER”
“Been hitting the gym, there…BROTHER?”
“Wanna juice and do some weights later, BROTHER?”
Now, keep in mind, “brother” must be said in an extremely deep voice; only some men can accomplish it. So, maybe that’s it. Our doughey generation of man-children who have smoked and drunk away the testosterone-esque baritone levels in their voices, gave up on trying to force the necessary inflection required for the time honored “BROTHER” salutation. But their sexuality had to remain intact.
And thus was born “NO HOMO”.
Much like the time honored “BROTHER”, this less masculine sounding form of address can best be described as something above the generic “fist bump”, and slightly below that awkward punch/hug guys do once they have finally gotten up the courage to actually embrace one another. You know – the hug where they get their arms around eachother, and to ensure their sexuality goes unquestioned, they begin to impart bruises upon one anothers’ respective dorsal sides via either fist or open hand (bitch slap style)?
I digress.
Now that the background of this memetic trend is understood by all of you lovely people, I would like to propose a new equal-but-modified version of this fan favorite. It’s for us ladies who wish to remain in the “friend zone”. Often times, we get accused of egregious slanderous things, like: saying one thing and meaning another, or sending mixed signals, or changing our minds like we … change our minds. And our outfits. And our hair. And…
Digressing again.
In any case, as I said, all this mudslinging must come to an end! So, for the sake of all my ladies who wish to ensure that our male “buddies” understand their places in our lives (and hearts!), I propose the following equivalent “follow up” phrase to any statement we may make as females that could be misconstrued for a desire, possibility, plausibility, or chance at all of sex being in the cards:
“No…HETERO”
Eh? Ehh??! You like that, don’t you girls?!
Think about the possibilities:
