I had the most terrifying “my god, you’re right!” truth bomb dropped onto me recently.

It was this lil nugget o’ knowledge:

(I kept this image small. For obvious reasons.)

This inoperable tumor on the fear lobe of my brain that normally tells me, “Just squash it! Hit it with a book!” has been the bane of every non-sleep since my reading of it. What do I do? Murder this arachnid avatar of satan? Move to the top of my standalone Tiffany lamp and remain perched there for a week when I see one on the floor? Or clutch myself while rocking back in forth in the corner for a week about the fact that I just released it back into the wild in the hopes that the bugs who’ve got eight legs more than they do brains mate and remain stupid?

Then I realized – why am I even asking myself this?

First, this is a non-sequitur. The ones who do come into my house just like my house the same reason everyone does. Because it’s awesome (*camera pan to address falling off the front door*) and I’m awesome and I do awesome things in here by my lone.


And their affinity to be near me and in my home doesn’t make ‘em any less or more good at being sneaky than their brethren. And even if it did – why would I care – when the intelligence quotient of these creatures is irrelevant to me? When I see you, I wanna give you a fast SPLAT, not a lengthy SAT. (Be glad, homie, I’d have welcomed the former over the latter in my formative days).

Thus, if the stupidity gene is linked to the same one that makes him feel that magnetic pull to my domicile (while the smart ones know to remain in hiding far, far away where I can pretend they don’t exist), then why not let Lucifer’s minions manifest their Darwinian destiny that keeps them off my wall and out of my face holes as I sleep?


Your move, spider loving logicians.

What’s more, a recent story I just read about this chick in Australia (who clearly done lost her mind) is the cherry on top. This bish gathered up a suck ton of golden orb spiders to study (#nopenopenope) before coming to the conclusion that the further away from woodland spiders are – like in cities and towns – the larger they get. There are a few suggestions as to why – like the “heat island effect” – where they grow more massive under warmer conditions and the fact that food’s easier to come by.

But honestly, I don’t care the reason.

Whether it’s Vitamin D or Mccy D’s making these motherfluffers so large is irrelevant.

In the end, I just see it as an excuse to do what I was gonna anyway.


That’s all.