5 things I woke up (that are so not Beyonce)

I’ve got that stupid Beyonce lyric in my head. (Those pajamas look terribly uncomfortable.) I dunno why. Certainly not a desire to partake in the hashtag meme – ‘cause my wakeup’s are far from Sleeping Beauty post coma selfie worthy. At least, I assume they are. I had the mirror removed from the ceiling over my bed after Patrick Bateman and I broke up so there’s no way of knowing.. Read More

6 reasons I ain’t mad at the interwebz today

Some days I’m sorry I got on social media at all. It’s not like I have a choice, really. I mean, that’s part of what I do – get online, observe the fcckery unfolding around me (while equipped with my metaphorical theater snacks) and then try to weave the digital dinosaur diarrhea pouring from all corners of the interwebz into a glittering, golden, ensemble. But today, from everyone’s favorite filtered.. Read More

Does anyone else’s brain rape the fun out of inspiring infographics?

Saw this li’l gem in my feed today: And I gotta admit – my first thought was, “Yeah, man! Next on deck’s so fuggin’ lucky they have no idea what they’re in for.” But then I got that twinge inside me that I always get when something sounds really good, but deep down I know it’s just because it coincides with what I want to believe about my narrow, spotless,.. Read More


Irony is fun – but only when people “get it”. Herein lies a problem I’d like to address here and now. Trendy articles of language are a fantastic means to foster your ironic style; but if you’re chronically sardonic like myself, then that means you may employ the genre of words-born-on-the-web terminology a good deal. And that means those who don’t know you, can’t literally hear the sludgy sarcasm dripping.. Read More

Let’s take a moment to thank god for this IG account.

Let’s all take a moment to thank God for the Instagram account that brought us this: *Sigh* Finally. A photo account called “Hot Dudes Reading” is a thing. It’s like a digital nerdy version of Playgirl (Is PlayGeek a thing yet? Can we make it one?) They’re not reading from some electronic steno pad device, mind you. They’re reading real, page-flippable books. And the more I look at these images,.. Read More

Why are you so fat? Stop being so fat.

What do you think when you see a flock of well fed fellow Americans waddle into the mall? After having parked in a handicapped spot? Let’s be honest. The first thing our brain’s gonna say is, “Wow.” Then, the second thought would be, “I wonder how big the mess would be if that got hit by a semi?”. But the third thought might just maybe be, “I wonder if that.. Read More

Smart spiders can take my S.A.T. (Smoosh All’a Them)

I had the most terrifying “my god, you’re right!” truth bomb dropped onto me recently. It was this lil nugget o’ knowledge: (I kept this image small. For obvious reasons.) This inoperable tumor on the fear lobe of my brain that normally tells me, “Just squash it! Hit it with a book!” has been the bane of every non-sleep since my reading of it. What do I do? Murder this.. Read More

Creepy Canine: Top 10 Ways Your Dog’s A Horror-Show

Alright, you asked for it. Actually, nobody asked for this. (How weird would it be if somebody actually requested a list like this? Isn’t it weird enough that I made one up?) Okay. Here goes. Top 10 ways the senior canine you care for is not a far cry from a classic horror flick: 1. EXORCIST She walks up to you from the other room (on all fours, of course).. Read More