Well, it’s gonna snow again today.
Right on top of this still-hasn’t-even-melted-yet layer. But I’m determined to venture out in it – and this time it’s not to go running. Well, yes, that’s a given; but today our focus is slightly redirected. Today, after I shovel my car out of its powdery ice fortress, I’ll be taking to the roads and heading all the way to the zoo. So I can steal both of these:
(Mind you, I’m open to someone else stealing them for me. And bringing them here immediately. Bueller? Bueller?)
I realize that stealing is probably not the best way to live my life. However, I feel like if you have a strong logic trifecta going on when you’re Ocean’s Elevening something (like helping your furry friends to be abscond to your apartment from wherever they currently reside), then the cosmos will impart immediate absolution from any sin that may have accompanied the act itself. Just like when Aladdin offered bread that wasn’t his to the dirty little beggars instead of eating it all himself, I’m prepared to share my I’d-rather-die-alone-than-reside-with-a-copulatory-partner apartment with them too. And how is it that I’ll escape karmic retribution? I have my reasons.
1.) Have you seen how violent they are?
“Together” my ass. Just look at that unprovoked attack. The last time I saw a creature stand on two legs like that with its arms overhead was in 2002 during that attack with a Grizzly bear that never happened. My point, though, is it could. And don’t be fooled by their diminutive size or fuzzy façade. Apart from being a homicidal Ruxpin, they’re clearly also part fox. And foxes are cunning. Which means, when you sleep, they’ll escape and eat everyone else at the zoo. I’m a stay at home mother to a shih-tzu who doesn’t need to be anywhere which means I can watch them full time. Really, I’d be doing you a favor.
2.) Plus, they’re arrogant little shits.
Which can definitely be used to our advantage.
Just look at them strutting around. And reveling in the snow that we all dread, piss, and moan about shoveling each time it’s on the forecast. The thing about show-offs is that people tend to follow you if you’re confident enough when you’re haters-gonna-hatin’ down the street. My hope? When they play and crap and play in the snow, it’ll rub off on my dog and she’ll do it too. Because she’s a follower. But for right now – she’ll just stare at me on a snowday like “Why the fckk’d you pour this flavorless slurpee all over my toilet?” I’d get mad at her, but really – isn’t that the same reaction of blame what we place on the weatherman when all he really is, is an atmospheric Paul Revere? These pandas could set an example by showing my dog how to play in snow so she doesn’t march back inside and crap in the foyer. And then maybe it’ll catch on until everyone stops crapping in the foyers of eachother’s days with their attitude sphincters.
3.) And, finally, we come full circle to the stealing thing.
“It tastes so much better when it doesn’t belong to me…”
Ya know, I just ventured deep into my brain. And after the initial shock and horror that accompanies every journey into that place subsided, I remembered something significant and relevant to my imminent panda pilfering at the zoo. And that’s that of all the nature shows I watch of creatures living life in the habitat they were vaginally shat into – eating, screwing, sunbathing, and generally unburdened by the exquisite torture that is higher level consciousness and self-awareness, something’s missing. And that’s four redoubtable cement or metal prison walls that prevent them from migrating to the next town over for a bachelorette party, high school reunion, or escape after fleeing from the scene of a high profile crime into witness protection. Which means, someone had to steal them (or the creature that birthed ‘em) first for them to be in that tiny terrarium. Man, here I’ve been complaining about cabin fever and clearing a parking spot – and they can’t leave theirs even if they are willing to get off their lazy asses and grab a shovel. So, my last point’s twofold. Not only will I be forgiven – I’ll be awarded for freeing these creatures. I can leave, so it’s my karmic duty to go rescue them.
Plus, it aint’ stealing if they’ve already been stolen and imported like Russian brides for randos to ogle.
Also, judging by their energy, I feel like they could clear our whole parking lot within the hour.