The first time I saw truffles for sale, I thought, “MMkay. Where are they?” View post on imgur.com I mean, I have heard they live underneath stuff. So, were they hiding underneath that dirty kitty litter? Wait… what? You mean those tiny turds were what I was going to spend the next month and a half’s worth of groceries on if I wanted any? Eff me. These fungi had better.. Read More
Thanks, Michelle Obama…
Let’s pause and thank Glob for the delightfully sarcastic #ThanksMichelleObama trend. Honestly, I can’t tell what they’re feeding these poor kids these days. And neither can the kids being fed. In a superficial effort to battle childhood obesity, the first lady’s had the lunch ladies do a food reboot in schools. I say “superficial” because it’s like putting a pretty bow on a car crash. Those with power make appearances.. Read More
Great news. I am VERY excite.
It is with great pride and a warm heart that I’d like to announce this: In nine months… there will be a delivery happening in my world. Lighting up my darkened life. Bringing tears of joy to my eyes. Making me want to break out into all the Disney-esque songs I love and maybe even a few I hate every time I see him: The Starbucks delivery man. Now that’s.. Read More
The science of leftovers: reheated noodles – good for you?
“I’ll just have leftovers…” Ah, this shame filled phrase has followed many a regrettable night in my early twenties – after which I’d rise in the late afternoon, just barely reentering my body in time to watch the sun set and feel existential questions rise from deep down in my turning tummy. There’s a kind of guilt that goes with opening a mostly empty fridge. Hearing the low buzz. Seeing.. Read More
Placebo meat: can you tell it’s a veggie burger if it “bleeds”?
As a non-creature eater, I often anthropomorphize my plant food. Ya know, for the sake of murdering or defiling it in my mind. You may’ve seen some examples of this here at the Ashley Pants party house. There were the bananas held hostage in my hostel while listening to each other slowly die. The Durian queen – wooed, defiled, and discarded. Even my dog has cooperated in a snuff film.. Read More
National Coffee Day: I missed my free fix today because of you.
What? How could you? How could all of you bastards do this to me? In what feels like the worst surprise party ever, nobody took the time to warn me that National Coffee day was today. (I’ll pause for you to purse your lips solemnly and e-console me). Had I known, had I been forewarned, had one of you people who claims to be my friend reminded me the way.. Read More
Is your Asian cooking sh*tty? Why not add opium like this guy?
On the heels of the Meth-ican Taco truck, we now swing our cultural interrogation lamp… …toward China. Down for a side of “nod” with your noms, kids? Why not try Zhang’s opium-MSG special? Just kidding. You can’t. Firstly because the culinary chemical secret santa had his place o’ bizz in Shaanxi Province, China (you’re probably not hanging out over there, are you? Most of you?) And secondly because, well, Mr… Read More
Sugar and spice and everything psych (how Starbucks’ seasonal bevs mindfckk you)
Ah, so there’s a deeper psychology to all this seasonal beverage stuff? Ya know, a breezy fall day like this almost makes me want to get a pumpkin spiced latte. Almost. Out of pure spite, is it, that this overpriced drink doesn’t automatically become my vegan vice (do they make it with soy?) right here and now. Yes, because I’m still butthurt over their introduction of it so prematurely in.. Read More
MRI’s on merlot: “Expensive taste” is a buncha bullshiz
It’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed a good glass of fermented grape. Mostly because I have the whole Pringles problem when it comes to firewater. Although that sort of thing isn’t for me anymore, I can’t help but be reminded of it – coming from a family of wine lovers. Especially now, as the weather gets chillier, I think, “Ah, I bet they’re all switching from chardonnay to.. Read More
Does Starbucks control the seasons?
Back in spring, I gave my plea to Starbucks to bring back seasonal drinks. I meant then. And that was only because it was still freezing ass cold outside. I was at a point where I was downing ventis less out of a need to stay awake and more to stay warm and entertain my taste buds since playing outside was a non-option. Even so, they defied my agonal cries.. Read More