Did you know that every night you lay down, you explode a grenade of grossness into your sheets? And jammies? When I heard an FYI report about “how we all need to wash our pajamas”, I experienced one of those involuntary head cocks that’s become synonymous with the rhetorical cascade of questions I seem to have at least once a day now when I turn on my T.V. or indulge.. Read More
Create a stuporhero with me.
I love my more creative Facebook poster friends. They do exist. I mean, you hafta mine ‘em out and sift through posted pathos, en masse infant photos, and the miscellany of nuptial notifications. But, like hidden twinkling diamonds, they are indeed there. And I so appreciate them – especially on days where my think juice is too viscous to circulate through my imagination motor, much less do any writing. Like.. Read More
Lady in waiting room, speculumating.
Mmmkay, ladies. This one’s for you. Ever just sat in the office of the doc that spelunks your lady cave (while they took forever to see you) and look around? Thumb through their reading material? Annoy fellow patients? Ever analyze the décor? And ever notice how effing sneaky their setups are? If you’re like me, and they take approximately pi billion years before they actually see you (even though you.. Read More
KFC’s edible death dog makes me wanna start a Heart Attack fast food chain.
I really admire Heart Attack Grill’s business plan. But that’s only because I recently learned about the owner’s backstory. See, the dude who started it (Jon Basso) is a scorned ex-gym founder who got told off by a fast food restaurant (you might know of them – “In-N-Out”) for naming his fitness locale, ironically, something too similar to their own. Angry and upset that an anti-health joint should win over.. Read More
5 celebs I diagnosed using the Putin-Asperger’s method.
Unless you live under a rock, you may’ve heard about Putin having burgers in his ass. Yep. He’s got autism, according to some sector of the Pentagon that gets paid to diagnose shit via T.V. Kinda like how I deduced I had Ebola just now. Via WebMD. ‘cause I coughed. Last week. (Insert obvi “Een Soviet Russia, Asperger’s has YOU” meme someone’s already done) Asperger’s is this form of autism.. Read More
Siri’s uselessness forces me into self awareness, yet again.
I shouldn’t eat that before my run… “SIRI: WHY ARE THESE DATES SO DELICIOUS?” I shouldn’t be now physically eating this before my run… “SIRI: WHY CAN’T I STOP EATING THESE DATES?” I shouldn’t be eating this before my run OR asking an effing computer to explain my lack of self-control to me. Such was how yesterday ensued for me. I rarely buy dates or figs anymore because they’re the.. Read More
McMystery sauce now on sale for mere price of a private island.
Ah, the sweet and glowing golden arches. Sure, mayhaps that “M” stands for “McDonald’s”. But maybe it also stands for that “mystery mustard” of theirs. Or just… “money”. ’cause, now, if you have a lot of that last thing, you can get that middle thing from that first thing. And I do mean a lot. Specifically… $18,000. That’s right. The burger behemoth has finally acquiesced to the masses’ demands and.. Read More
Starbucks’s imminently selling coconut milk; my body is ready.
“You know what would make this green tea soy latte better?” “What?” “Nothing. Nothing at all.” This is an actual conversation I’ve had before, while orally worshipping the frothy forest colored beverage before me. The world morphs into a Monet of the senses during those first few sips. Speaking to me’s useless as I seek to satisfy the fiend within. However, it didn’t take long for me to move onto.. Read More
How harnessing my chi helped my girl-gooch reach the ground
You know what I hate about motivational advice? Well, my brain, to be specif. It’s a tragedy, really – how my brain will take some good, clear, totally applicable advice and be mind-masturbated into total numbness by it (just ‘cause it’s a “cliché) instead of letting the message sink in, resonate, and do its magic on me. To be fair, not all motivational advice is effective – or at the.. Read More
The weigh I see it.
I could waste a lot of time looking at optical illusion images. That’s mostly just because I suck at the ones where you have to search for something in the spaghetti patterns. But I suppose it’s also because my truculent head contents refuse to give up on trying to make sense of something nonsensical. All of once have I won at those posters you used to see in a mall.. Read More