It’s fascinating. If you do something crazy like buy a mannequin family or go get drunk alone in the woods as if you’re living in a Gus Van Sant film, you’ll probably get awarded a mental illness diagnosis. One or two people will find out, they’ll bring it back to the village pub, spread the news of your nuttery, and then take the net with the digital torches and pitchforks.. Read More
Spiritually awakened by Mexican hookers and blow.
Now this is the kinda stuff Oprah should be putting on her SuperSoul Sunday lineup. Reddit user “plzsendhalp” recently posted about how his Bacchanalian vacay south of the border saved him from himself. Depressed, he’d outlined a whole suicide plan, traveled to Mexico to get the right kinda chemicals for a euphoric farewell, and then – in the midst of his death plot – life happened. It started with a.. Read More
Would you snitch on a preggo cheater?
In grade school, if your eyes wandered to your neighbor’s desk, you were caught cheating. But what if your wandering eyes caught a cheater? A cheating slut, that is? Like this dude’s did? (Fan at a game saw fellow fan’s preggo wife cheat-texting… and told him. In a note.) This is a tough call. Is cheating wrong? Yes. But when it comes to relationships, should we follow the TSA guidelines.. Read More
Beano gas? Or Beano bacteria you need?
Ever get accused of walking around like your farts don’t stink? Maybe that’s ‘cause they don’t. Because you’re gasless. Because you eat things like Beano before you go on dates with that hot quasi-goth-quasi-hipster barista who finally acquiesced to your advances. I wish I had a funny shame story here about having no control over my own noxious air emissions, but unfortunately, I just have ones about the junk-eaters in.. Read More
Go Pro-lice State
“FILM da police!” This excellent song came about as a twist on the “EFF da PO-lice!” phrase wrought out of the general mistrust of all boys in blue because of a few rotten apples. You may have read my stuff before and understand that my outlook is not that all of them are bad. I look at the law the way the law looks at me – innocent until proven.. Read More
Feliz Nazi-dad!
I used to love getting puzzle books every Christmas as stocking stuffers. But this year, a fun family round of “Where’s Waldo” is a game we all can play without even opening the gifts themselves thanks to Hallmark’s unwittingly racist oversight. (Hint: Metaphorical Waldo has a rectangular mustache and a bad sidecomb.) And since they put it on a line of designed blue and silver gift wrap, it’ll be extra.. Read More
I fux wit F.lux (2 day experiment with amber-lit devices)
I sleep in three hour increments at most. Every damned night. It’s to the point where I put off even laying down. Instead, I just sit up and think productive, philosophical thoughts about the universe. It doesn’t matter when I lay down – the story’s always the same. And I only have myself to blame. Because I know what I need to avoid doing to sleep better and I still.. Read More
Video game vampires
Volunteering time and service is hard enough. Volunteering my scarlet life oil that commutes through my body tubes each day? Psshhha. Don’t people get paid for that? I’m kidding. Kind of. And by that, I mean – that’s the first selfish thought that comes to my mind. And the second thought is “Yes. People get paid for that.” And then the third thought is: “Instead, I’ll just not press the.. Read More
Fired up over water
I drink a lot of water – but not enough, apparently. (^Good indication you’re either drinking enough water or too much coffee.) Truth is, if I had enough money, I’d probably get in the suggested three liters a day because I’d either buy out the Aquafina in the store (and be one of those parasites of the earth contributing to more of the plastic problem) or buy a reverse osmosis.. Read More
A very unboring board game…
Given the “men get domestically abused too, but no one cares” trend lately, I’m happy to share this woman: Looks so bedraggled, you’d think she got the beating. Nope! This woman went straight to jail without collecting $200. But if you add another zero to that figure, that’s Alyssa Ferraro’s bail – for slapping her dude across the face during an intense match of Monopoly. And despite not bothering to.. Read More