I never wanted kids. I wasn’t that five year old with the doll baby, wanting to nurture and care for a bald rubber creature. In fact, when I got them, I always wanted to go refund them for the slutty barbies. While I’ve written about this before, I feel like the self-questioning about “do I really never want a family?” arises around the holidays. Because that’s when you see families.. Read More
Church of superstitious: Is OCD any diff than wood-knocking?
“Stop it. STOP IT. STOP THAT. STOP DOING THAT!!!!1” This is the internal monologue I have to consciously fight from vocalizing as a family member to three obsessive compulsive disorder sufferers. And it’s pretty bad when I – a crazy person myself – get this vexed by someone else’s psychosis. But, I suppose, that’s the reason itself: one can only observe too much Nicholson a la “Good As It Gets”.. Read More
My anaconda don’t want none…
“Take it. Take it all.” Said the filmmaker (not really, but probably in his mind) to an anaconda, before cocooning himself (whole body, not just his dangle as the misleading quote that never happened suggests) up and being swallowed alive by him. While the event hasn’t happened yet, filmmaker Paul Rosolie does indeed intend to do exactly that. And then he’ll share the video footage in a month. And just.. Read More
Pennywise’s pit wisdom
I’m in love with this gutter wisdom. And not just because of the delicious irony that accompanies imagining Pennywise’s raspy voice – snarling this positive thought through his yellowing sharpened shark teeth and across sanguine shaded lips. Nay, sir. This doubles as a “it’s funny ‘cause it’s true” for sure. I was telling my mom the other day how I never felt less spiritual than sitting in a church pew… Read More
50 Shades of Cray: Do rape fantasies make your inner goddess dance?
Alright. This one might be slightly “heavy”. But I feel like it must be relevant to current trends. Especially since I can’t seem to escape that “50 Shades of Grey” book turned movie lately. This little story’s got everyone’s panties in a twist – from the feminist bloggers who feel like free speech shouldn’t be a thing when it offends their ovaries to those who just like the idea of.. Read More
Cringeworthy Creepers.
They say that pain shared is pain halved. But shame shared? That’s hilarious. That’s why this grab-your-popcorn style fun story of Ariana Grande’s 29-year-old “stalker” (quotes because all he’s really doing is sending her random gifts and is probably harmless) didn’t end with the things homeboy bought her. Like a three piece hanging mirror set. Eight yankee candles. A cheap necklace. Kitten calendars. A rock from one of his travels….?.. Read More
Disappointed in Dunham?
Yes, I’m a bit disappointed in Lena Dunham. Not really, but kind of. And no, it’s not for “molesting her little sister” (when she was also a child herself). It’s more for sharing her story honestly and openly (Bold move. Fine. That’s why we like you.) but then angrily jumping up and feeling compelled to defend it when people with I-disagree opinions took to social media to throw shade and.. Read More
Why don’t you “fall back” on my machete?
When we hate the way things are today, we have to change them. As a society. And have a revolution. Obviously. For example, I don’t think I’m alone when I say I hate the way things are today. I mean, literally, today. Not “these days”. No, this fateful fall day where we have to lose an hour of daylight in the evenings. Sure, I have a home. And I get.. Read More
Bad rap: it’s hard to make fun of self-parody artists.
When my sister and I were kids, we’d play this game. Usually it’d happen spontaneously – when we had to convene with our parents in a place and situation (holidays, reunions, rides to church) we didn’t wanna be part of. And then, just – outta the blue – when the moment felt right, we’d break into a spoken-word, bookish college professor toned rendtition, paraphrased, improvisational back’n forth… of the popular.. Read More
Piggy wants them piggies, gurl (foot fetish cop charged).
I’ve heard of a pedo-bear, but thanks to the Houston fuzz, we’ve got a new one: Podi-bear. Because this 26-year-old foot fetishist Texan cop just got charged with “official oppression” (first time I’ve heard that term before) for pulling over a pothead chick, and going all Jigsaw wanna-play-a-game-or-go-to-jail on her with the most convoluted sextortion I’ve ever heard of. (For a routine traffic stop, anyway). While the story seems to.. Read More