Well, it’s happened. A thought translated into vibrations in my vocal cords until it reached air, carrying intelligible significance. Just barely, tho. It was a quote from a car commercial. (With a slight tweak: “That’s not a real puppy… that’s too big to be a real puppy…” ) But you just might say it too, after seeing “Hulk”: This behemoth pit bull embodies that whole “big friendly giant” concept in.. Read More
Why it will be okay when I steal these red pandas.
Well, it’s gonna snow again today. Right on top of this still-hasn’t-even-melted-yet layer. But I’m determined to venture out in it – and this time it’s not to go running. Well, yes, that’s a given; but today our focus is slightly redirected. Today, after I shovel my car out of its powdery ice fortress, I’ll be taking to the roads and heading all the way to the zoo. So I.. Read More
Woof wardrobe isn’t 100% stupid (say experts). But close (says me.)
When I was little, my mom would make me wear the most mortifying ensembles. Baubles. Clown suits. Ribbons with streamers. Dresses with shoulders that looked like cheerleader pompoms and felt like the pads the players they were cheering for wore. Mushroom hair cuts and thick awkward bangs. Tights and long sweatshirts. Poor fitting warm up suits that felt silly because I’d not yet myself been indoctrinated into the sports I.. Read More
Pet reactions are everything.
Seriously. A few youtube videos of Fido acting the fool can turn my whole week around. It’s hard not to think of them as furry quadraped people some days. And thanks to the internet, this belief has been reinforced for me. In my top three videos for this week (which is close enough to being over than I can award winners now), there’s the hound head-tilt, noise-cessation reaction, and culpable.. Read More
Trophy beasts (exotic pets)
Great news, you animal lovers! You know the hopes and dreams you had of running your own cartel across the border by the time your were 25? Well, just because you’re not blowing through bills like a behind-the-scenes billionaire in a villa, doesn’t mean you can’t live like them! Or at least pretend you do! Step 1: Ball like a mah-fugga. Step 2: Wed like a Christian: (where are they.. Read More
BufFlora Bill
Well, I murdered again. Sigh. “Shrugs. Shouldn’t’a worn my bad-luck gardening gloves.” Seriously. Since I can’t keep anything that can’t bark alive, it’s a good thing I haven’t started my vegetable garden yet. ‘cause I STILL can’t manage to keep an effing house plant. Thus far, I think my best record’s probably been a week. And by a week, I mean a day and a half. Poor bastards. My mom.. Read More
I think, therefore I animal.
Sometimes, as my dog takes on that tranquil, faraway look I wonder: Will anyone notice if I don’t pick up her shit? And is she inwardly laughing at me when I do? Does she reminisce? Plan? Get sad? The concept of canine consciousness came to me recently. My baby niece (yes, I compare people to pups) has started looking at her reflection and I wonder if she already recognizes that.. Read More
The Value of Life
A man – let’s call him Bob – excels at what he does. He is championed, considered a hero, and beloved among many. Then, one day, an awful secret is discovered about him. For years, “Bob” has (with the help of accomplices) been running an underground ring for the exploitation of children – having them do obscene and horrible things. Fighting one another to the death. Starving and depriving them.. Read More