The golden (retriever) rule.

“Oh god. No! It’s too early in the morning for my heart to be this activated…” Here, it wasn’t even 8 A.M. I’m still rubbing the booger glue out of my eye corners. My coffee hasn’t even begun to do its worst on the after-effects of a horrible night’s non-rest that felt more like an alien abduction involving an assault followed by a memory wipe. And my shoulders are bowed.. Read More

Six target gifts to seriously consider

Is your santa sack still empty like mine is? I’ve literally not bought so much as gift wrap yet, so I’m glad I stumbled across a few fun ideas online today. As ever, though, I got caught up in the novelty section of Target’s gift shop while searching for serious gifts people won’t hate me for getting. And being the kind Christmas-spirited person that I am, I took a moment.. Read More

I need this dog that doesn’t exist.

“I need this dog in my life for Christmas,” I said to myself the second I saw this: However, how this creature came to be suddenly sparked a thought-debate between my sister and I today: Sis: How the hell do they mate? Me: Have you ever seen how high those lil dogs can jump? S: I’m really trying to imagine this. M: Think of it like a slam dunk –.. Read More

Don’t park or fart next to me.

So, I saw this little cartoon today: And while I can’t literally relate (inasmuch as I haven’t learned how to mold my femme flesh into a funnel just yet for the purpose of relieving myself while standing upright), I can relate on a “personal space” level. I think everyone can. Not terribly long ago, I wrote about that new something-awful trend of dudes taking up space on the metro train… Read More

Every parent needs a copy of this Steinbeck letter.

I’m in love with this letter Steinbeck wrote to his son about love. The backstory’s that his eldest boy, Thom, wrote John when he was still in boarding school, sharing that he’d just fallen in love with a girl called Susan. Defending his newfound soulmate, he told his pops it wasn’t just “puppy love” and that he wanted the fam to meet her. His dad (being an artist armed with.. Read More

Lonely but loathe people? Make a fake fam! And share it!

It’s fascinating. If you do something crazy like buy a mannequin family or go get drunk alone in the woods as if you’re living in a Gus Van Sant film, you’ll probably get awarded a mental illness diagnosis. One or two people will find out, they’ll bring it back to the village pub, spread the news of your nuttery, and then take the net with the digital torches and pitchforks.. Read More

How “Gone Girl” really ends.

With my brain in overdrive, I was in the mood for a nice mindless movie the other night. So, I settled for the thriller “Gone Girl”. (Because everyone said to and I’m easily manipulated). My review is kinda half-and-half on this film. I suppose what started me off a little sour was the familiar plot: beautiful, blonde, femme-fatale marries a guy who owns a bar, everyone kinda hates her, and….. Read More

How to not look like a prolapsed anus when you’re old.

Let’s be honest. What’s the first thing we think of when centagenarians start giving out advice? Speaking strictly for this bish right here, usually I’m too distracted to actually hear them detail what the big bang and Jesus were like. My attention can’t help but wander to the fact that they’re gasping for oxygen between every syllable. It’s not the creped skin, loss of faculties, or posture like a dead.. Read More

Spiritually awakened by Mexican hookers and blow.

Now this is the kinda stuff Oprah should be putting on her SuperSoul Sunday lineup. Reddit user “plzsendhalp” recently posted about how his Bacchanalian vacay south of the border saved him from himself. Depressed, he’d outlined a whole suicide plan, traveled to Mexico to get the right kinda chemicals for a euphoric farewell, and then – in the midst of his death plot – life happened. It started with a.. Read More