Social anxiety has always been a bit of an issue for me; but when I was younger, I realized that to keep friends, you had to cultivate friendships. That meant going out and being social. For a time (and with the right liquid courage), I found that going out and having a good time had its merit. As a girl, you get to get dolled up, dress cute, and accessorize – so there are some pluses.
However, if you have any kind of a physical affliction (are in chronic pain and can’t even walk with a normal gait), it can amplify that anxiety you previously could ignore to an off-the-charts level. Before, it just meant that feeling of wanting to leave a party right when you arrived or refusing to spend the night with a partner. Then it was refusing to allow someone else to drive/wanting your own car when you traveled somewhere. Equally fearful is what most find pleasurable: riding out on a boat. The commitment of going anywhere with anyone and not being physically able to just leave when I want to is terrifying.
But those things were tolerable and came with workarounds. When pain plays into anxiety, however, the game changes:
You don’t want to hang out with friends anymore. You lose most of them.
Work is multi-miserable and you have to go to the loo and hide to get a minute of privacy as you hyperventilate, put cold soaks on your neck, and hope your patients don’t sense it.
Even yesterday, as I attempted a trip to do Christmas shopping, an anxiety attack set in and I couldn’t even breathe. The crowded mall was no longer simply filled with annoying shoppers, but a mass of faceless flesh in which I was drowning. I left, soaked in a cold sweat.
You’re all getting e-gift cards for X-mas this year. Maybe santa will bring me some long awaited long term relief from pain and panic alike.
xoxo
<3~A