Well we all knew robots were taking over the globe.

But our clothes?

Hold onto your Wall-E seats (mostly ‘cause you’re too fat and can’t move anymore and nothing else is in reach) because in mildly ridiculous news, the latest sartorial technology is this robot… that zips and unzips your clothes for you. Granted, I see this working beautifully for the handicapped and old people (even though maybe the robots could be better put to use doing the driving for that latter group). But some of the main uses are for loosening and tightening your duds when you go from seated, to standing, to laying down, to… hey, wait. Don’t they have something like this? Something called yoga pants? Or – if you’re too portly for yoga pants – fat pants?

I suppose the answer is yes – unless you’re wearing a skirt.

Or sleeves you’re too lazy to just roll up instead of detaching at snail speed.

Meet Zipperbot:

Heh, it looks like DNA polymerase going down the strands durin-…

Ashley, no one’s gonna get that reference, dumbass.

Right. *Ahem*…

It looks like a Roomba and the top of a zip lock baggy mated.

Anyone else see Gaga wearing something made of a miscellany of these, all zipping and unzipping in a quadrillion different directions till it looks like she’s sheathed in a sea of lost sentient plastic? Of course not. Because worrying about a pop star or her gear is ridiculous. Which is why I didn’t watch the Oscar’s last night. (But if you wanna pay me for my brilliance, Lady G., I’ll totes come work for you.)

But this don-able technology just begging to be the culprit behind a wardrobe malfunction in the middle of the next superbowl isn’t the only one of its sort out there. In fact, by the end of the year, this gem called “Belty” will serve as your own personal plastic ‘n metal equator, synching up to an app with stats on your body. Like Zipperbot above, Belty also will loosen or tighten depending on however you’re contorting yourself. But it also synchs up to an app for at least two very useful functions I could see helping out humankind in the future. First, it’ll warn you if you’ve been sitting for too long. At first I read this and thought, “Dumbasses, just set an alarm. Or listen when your somatic ear’s telling you to rise from your rump.” But then I remembered two days ago when I was so into what I was writing, I might’s well’ve had USB cables for fingers and neurons alike – ‘cause the moment I paused, I had about five missed messages and two missed calls. You’d think I’d just left my phone on silent to write, right? Nope. I was just that into it. And about five hours had passed. And my body… felt like shit. Maybe I should set a laptop alarm. Or maybe I just need this digital midriff ribbon. Because it looks cooler.

And if you don’t counter your furniture-ass-mashing careers with a bit o’ cardio, Belty’s also on the prob.


Belty also lets you know if all those sofa-seshes are porking you up like a nubile houseguest in a witch’s gingerbread house with useful weight-gain updates.

This is fantastic for people like me who can lose five pounds of waterweight between wake up and noon and thus can’t trust other forms of technology (like weight scales) to inform me the accurate amount of self-loathing or worth I should be exuding for the day. Contrarily, Belty just tells ya when you’re packing the mass on your ass. Yes, given that this’ll be on the market before the end of the year, I see every married or long-term-relache’d dude buying this for their ladies. Because like a reportedly honest but maybe misquoted president, Belty cannot tell a lie.

And what else cannot he do?

Be emotionally blackmailed for helping you not turn into a Wall-E floaty-chair fatso.