I heard an interesting quote today:
“There is no authentic self. Identity is always a work in progress”
Hmmm… Not… bad. Just needs a few tweaks to not be wrong.
What makes sense to me is this: First the “authentic self” and “identity” are two different animals. You can totally believe in an authentic self – so long as you also accept that there is no moment that matters except right now. The present – as a perpetual tripping into whatever’s next. What’s that have to do with a “self”? Because my authentic (or just me not being fake) self today as it presents itself may differ completely from the authentic self I showed the world last week or what I will be tomorrow. Does that make me fake or a liar? No. ‘cause the nature of reality (and how we feel from moment to moment’s included in that) is it’s transient. Seasons shuffle around. Shit decays, dies, and then decays some more. Likewise, our moods and worldviews too can ebb and flow and undergo makeovers without our permish. Nothing is static. Not even our behavior – unless we put a straightjacket around our souls and slowly suffocate from the center outward as life fails to meet our psychotic Platonic expectations.
Yet we’re left with this now sullied term referred to as the “authentic self” (which has become as dead as similarly indescribably beautiful experiences like “love” or “God” or “soy green tea latte”). This idea of the true self has sadly been perceived under the limited parameters that we also try to put around everything else in the world we delude ourselves into believing might never change. Like our desire to stay young forever. Or belief that our loved ones will never die. Or our desire to have a relationship bound into eternity (which we know we can’t promise, no matter what vows we make or what metal prison bar we melt down and fashion into matching bands for our twin inmate ring fingers).
Our authentic selves are no different.
The only common guiding thing that we can and should always live by to live in authenticity is that of compassion (or that dead word “love”). We can always come from a place of good intentions. Dunno what any of that means? I understand. I forget a lot too. What helps me is to basically just think of how I am when I’m being an asshole (that comes a little bit easier for me, so it’s a good jumping of point). And then, I just try to just do the opposite of that. But we can’t go around and be Pollyanna to everyone all the time. Not all of ‘em have taken that thorough “How To DeDouche Yourself 101” that I just gave you a few sentences ago. So, an excess of unbridled niceness might get you raped, murdered, or robbed.
Thus, it’s our job to discern the happy medium between good intentions and self-preservation.
As for the second half of this quote? The bit about “identity is a work in progress”? Well, it makes sense that the authentic self is indeed a “work in progress”, since as we said above, we’re only worrying about it in the present moment (which is always progressing) and not making sure if it matches what we did yesterday or plan to be tomorrow. ’cause that – that comparison game you play with yourself – is your identity and you “working on” it. And that can get pretty exhausting. A brand you show to the world is one thing. You can go home and do what you like in private. You don’t have to explain why you vote against your own party or hate T.V. and high society but binge watch Gossip Girl. You can simply say, “I felt X before. I feel Y now. Maybe I’ll feel Z tomorrow.” All those parts are you. That’s part of being human. Behind okay with that natch flux of feels as they flow (and not fighting it) is the real “work in progress”
The identity, contrarily, is a mere idea.
When we can’t deal with that flux, we try to paint over the real self with pretty artificial colors because what’s underneath is too busy for our mind’s eye to process. It’s hard work, applying that identity paint. Our brains get tired. But if we can remember the identity’s not real, we don’t have to make it a “work in progress” anymore. We can strip it away. Thus, the “authentic self” and “identity” (so long as we’re the identifiers of it) are mutually exclusive, in my humble opinion. ’cause so long as you try to maintain some black and white belief about yourself, you’re going to deny the authentic parts about you that arise if they run counter to that. The only way to be real is to say, “Fcck my identity. You all can decide that in the privacy of your brains.”
In addition to finding that happy medium between self-preservation and not being a dicknose, to truly work on our authentic selves, we have to also find a happy medium between being real and being considerate of other people when we do that. I get it. Being honest is hard. So when we can issue the truth in a way that that wipes that smug look from some bitch’s mouth, it’s almost tangible in is deliciousness. We feel like we deserve that reward for having been honest for so long. Can’t we at least revel in this devilish moment?Sadly, no. At least it doesn’t work for me. Woo woo as it sounds, Karma Krishna or Yoda or whoever’s out there in the Holy Higgs Field sends me a giant house spider like clockwork almost every time after I’ve issue a douchey dose of brutal honesty wrapped in shade flavored paper.
So, that’s it. Be kind to all, but use enough brains to not get Bundy’d doing it.
And be honest, but not in a shitty way.
Practice these two things well, and ya don’t have to worry about an “identity”.
People will just like you anyway. You might even sleep better at night too.
(Said the insomniac.)