“What’s that on your face? Take it off!” As a blossoming young sixth grader, I was chastised the first time I attempted to apply my own slutty eye liner. “What else are you doing that I wouldn’t approve of?!” In retrospect, it was probably in part because I used the only thing I had – a melted mock makeup crayon from a princess play kit I’d dusted off from five.. Read More
Will whorey makeup make me more dateable?
Reluctantly did I watch this thing today: Kinda obvi: Dress like a whore, get treated like a whore, die alone like a whore. But there’s more than meets the eyeliner here – because this is one of those things where as a chick, you have to meet your makeup halfway and consider the medium you’re using. First of all, people forget that who you are IRL is not who (or.. Read More
L’oreal App: Worth it?
Primpin’ ain’t easy. Time to cast some spells. Mirror mirror in plastic and glass, make my mug a virtual mask. Alright girls (and a few boys I know). L’oreal’s coming with a pretty poison apple for your apple device. The commercial conversation when it comes to beauty products is a favorite bedtime story of mine. It’s one as old as it is true: “If they have to advertise it, you.. Read More
The eternal youth search is in… vein
Funny how we pass mice off as dirty creatures – usually a sign of proximate decaying food (which probably fell between the counter and the stove last week when I was trying to cook). But when we start to decay, they’re the ones who teach us how to help our demise go in slow-mo. For example, the most recent experiment they’ve done on these poor tortured rodents is for anti-aging.. Read More
Feed us fetus for eternal youth
Toss your creams and Dr. Oz books, bitches. Science called and said we’re all animated machines following DNA directives – right to our genetically predestined deaths. Unless, of course, you’re up for eating the blood of a delicious newborn. Well, at least this is what we’ve been informed from the body of a 115 year old woman. The oldest known human, Hendrikje van Andel-Schipper, realized she might hold the secrets.. Read More
So this is what Lady Gaga meant…
I never listened to the whole “Do What ya want wit mah baaawdy” song, but I get it now. I think. ‘cause Vogue and then Versace did exactly that – what ads do best – retouching her “baaawday” and eradicating blemishes until homegirl was unrecognizable. I’d ask why we all keep playing along and trying to emulate what’s fake. But I can’t. For two reasons: 1. I’m still totally addicted.. Read More
Tut-ojos (Spanglish for Eye Tutorial)
VIDEO TUTORIALS SUCK Want to know why most video makeup tutorials suck sphincter? Video chicks love four things: 1. To hear themselves talk. 2. To fish for comment compliments. 3. To flatter themselves. 4. To HEAR THEMSELVES TALK. Seriously?! A ten minute intro for something titled “Everyday Smokey Nude Eyeshadow Tutorial”..? Girl, you’ve got five subscribers, even fewer views, and the only comments are from spam bots or other losers.. Read More
Franken-makeup: Save your crashed compact powder
First, happy belated St. Patrick’s Day, all! I celebrated by putting my sister’s gift card to use at Viccy’s Secret (silk loungies were the result) and a trip to the salon for more blonde: Speaking of beauty upkeep – it’s not a deep or introspective entry today – but a quick makeup tip that sprung to mind after my favorite shadow committed Stila suicide off my vanity. I’d normally say.. Read More
MINDBLOW: Makeup Manipulation
Not even 24 hours later, the answer to yesterday’s blog came to me. Why do we love makeup? The same reason we acquire men (or women)… or anything else we get for that matter, only to realize it isn’t right for us until it’s too late. Sure, the “substance” might be nice, but that’s not why we want it. My sophomore year graphic design teacher had it right when she.. Read More
Makeup Musings – MyAshley Vice
When I see makeup – whether in a store or online, I get unnecessarily excited and feel compelled to buy something. All those pretty colors! It’s like I’m five again, going through my mom’s cabinet of creams and pressed powders. I don’t even have to be out of my previous product purchase before the desire for more garish gunk stirs deep within me. But I realized today (as I oohed.. Read More