Not that I was gonna get one anyway, but apparently I’m “incompatible” with Apple’s new watch.
Because I have a tattoo.
At least that’s what I was thinking when I read one misleading headline (but obviously effective clickbait – not unlike the one I’ve paired with this very piece) about their watches not working on humans who’ve been perma-doodled. “What’s this, Ashley? Is Apple racist against the indelibly inked now?” No. Well… kinda. Only if it’s on your wrist. Apparently, dark ink could hinder heart rate readings – one of the many things this arm-puter does for you (in addition to slowly feeding back information like that to advertising agencies so they can better market to you). So while it might not effect those like me harboring a ring finger tatt, those who’ve lit up their wrists with the ol’ needle pen drill may have a tougher time enjoying their latest gadget on a Fitbit level and getting weird readouts that don’t match the transcendental and tranquilly delicious run you just had. On the upside, you’ll know your paranoia about ads hacking your body functions has been confirmed when you start to see “Here are cardiologists in your area!” ads betwixt your friends Dear Diarrhea’ing all over your feed.
So, why’s iWatch failing when it comes to the dermal graffiti above your grabbers? Basically, the whole ticker-measurer element operates on LED sensors in the watch. The LED lights help determine at what point blood flow is on the rise every time your heart beats by sitting over the same vein you use to check your pulse manually. And the ink interferes with that. Per the Apple Mammoth itself:
“Apple Watch uses green LED lights paired with light sensitive photodiodes to detect the amount of blood flowing through your wrist at any given moment. When your heart beats, the blood flow in your wrist — and the green light absorption — is greater. Between beats, it’s less. By flashing its LED lights hundreds of times per second, Apple Watch can calculate the number of times the heart beats each minute — your heart rate.”
(I wonder if my “Does this cause cancer somehow?” suspicion is correct like my ad-body-hacker one was.)
But, much like them “forgetting” to make their shiz waterproof, I feel like this is just another one of those built-in defects big companies do so that when they bring out version next point next, you’ll buy it. With gigundo-ty-million percent of their demographic being hipsters lathered in piercings and body art, I can’t imagine they didn’t think of it – and then quietly table it for next round. (I have a theory that every version of every Apple product – each with increasing decreases in defects – has already been built and they all live in an iVault together, with labeled dates for when they’ll finally be released.)
As for me? I’ve got a trifecta of “doesn’t effect me” going on here:
1.) I’ve no desire to buy or wear this cumbersome contraption that’s not even waterproof.
2.) If I did, I wouldn’t want it reading my body functions, the nosy snitch.
3.) I don’t know if I even have a heart to read.
Admittedly, however, I might be a little sad when the ring version comes out and I can’t wear it.
Because, let’s be honest: We all know that’s in the iVault right now, too.