I once shared how the “Bad Touch Bears” ruined my childhood. (It was like this, except pre-recorded and more horrifying. And my face was exactly like Tweak’s.) It was bad enough in its irony. The moment these furry Winnie The Pooh-esque creatures graced the screen of my first grade classroom T.V. set, I was reminded of my favorite honey-philiac and his gangly human pal. Even the static speckled screen created.. Read More
Breaking’s Bad for a jogging junkie
So, I skipped a day of jogging today. It’ll be fine, they said (The audience, that is, that posts in my head like a relentless online forum). A break will be good, they said. Mmmyeah… I haven’t felt this awful since that time I quit painkillers and valium simultaneously and my skin started doing what ocean water does right before it turns into a tsunami intent on ingesting Japanese folk.. Read More
Chimney creep
What’s sooty, soapy, and filled with the sounds of Jackhammers? Why, a two hour rescue mission by firefighters to free a crazy intruder bish from the chimney of her internet boo’s abode, of course. Ya know, it’s funny, I’ve had that “Tyler” song by the Toadies stuck in my head for two days now (fun 90’s band with more than one catchy tune about creepy murder stalkers #nostalgia). And then,.. Read More
Teachers making beautiful minds.
I was an “A” student in high school. I also really sucked at understanding almost every subject. Nearly nothing came naturally. When lectured in a seat, I learned nothing. So I came home, read the book, taught myself, aced exams, and forgot everything right after. (Except English, which I liked. Y un poco de Espanol.) As I finally left my graduation and looked back at the doors of my former.. Read More
I want to play a game… (sci-pothetical convos)
“I need an opinion regarding a hypothetical I’m having trouble working out in my brain.” (This is how most of my text message games – and arguably most of my texts in general – go. I toss out a fishing line to a few of my smart friends, see who finds it interesting enough to bite, and then we proceed to ping pong ideas for the pure sake of my.. Read More
Vice hypocrite: totes buying my wino friends this ancient creation
How selfish of me. Here I’ve been writing about what you all should be buying me, when I haven’t even begun buying anything for the people I love. So I’ve been sitting here all morning – wondering what in the world I could possibly get for the treasured few beings in my life who don’t star as the centerpiece in my daydreams about cars falling off of cliffs after catching.. Read More
MissAshHolePants X-mas gift list (continued).
I understand and appreciate your plight fully. It’s already been the better part of a week since I shared what you can begin buying me for Christmas. And now you’re all thinking, “But, Ashley, an ipad, ipad holder, leashless dog leash, dog who can walk himself, and self-aware vacuum cleaner robot isn’t nearly enough for you. We’ve already bought you these things the same day you issued your memo. What.. Read More
Confessions and mythconceptions
I need to confess. I did that thing the other day where somebody told me they “never knew” this one crazy fact about a fruit most of us love. And (by omission) I lied. By pretending I never didn’t know it: Why did this person (who will remain unnamed mostly because I encountered them randomly on the interwebz and legit don’t know who they are) and I ever have it.. Read More
One year, thanks, time to go eff life in the face
Per a Facebook post this week (which marked a chemical free milestone for me): Today’s my one year anniversary of taking no meds to deal with back pain, no alcohol to deal with life pain, and no benzos to deal with pain in the ass people. I’ve also resumed jogging, started yoga, and even limited how frequently I play frisbee with the dishes against my kitchen wall for stress relief… Read More
Things to get me this X-mas
Aside from the obvious things like an unlimited supply of itunes music, Starbucks goodies, and my hovercraft (stocking stuffers, really) I figured I’d share with you what I truly require for Christmas this year. We’ll start small. And early. That way you all have time to get them. And all of them. Clearly, this is a list that’s ongoing – so I may have to make it a weekly or.. Read More