What sorcery is THIS?
I’ll let you guess via the following little quiz:
1. A high tech tool for sexy time.
2. A replica for Dubai’s next unnecessary giant revolving lounge bar at the top of a towering building that’s high enough to get an excellent view of the impoverished masses starving below as they build the next one.
3. A toy microphone collaboratively created by Fisher Price and Apple.
4. An umbrella.
I’ll give you a hint: it’s an umbrella.
But, how?! Magic, obviously. And by magic, I clearly mean “China”. What we have to remember when we think of innovation, is that “made in China” and “creatively developed in China” aren’t the same thing. And – speaking strictly for me – this thing meant to keep ya dry is makin’ me moist in the pocketbook. Totes ready to spend money on this thing. Maybe that’s just because today is literally the first sunny day we’ve had for most of the week. And I’m already thinking how much I’d love to have a force field oxygen shield that constantly guards me and the hair I just got did from ambient falling dihydrogen monoxide.
With its motor and fan, that’s exactly what the Air Umbrella does (because: physics), by fountaining up bits of your and my shared breathing gases and transmogrifying it into an invisible, cascading, repellent wall that allows us each to retain our dignity (and impeccably applied Sephora masks) while we search for our not-really-ours-not-really-anybody’s cats in the alleyway during a downpour.
Obviously, this isn’t going to be good enough for me.
Especially since I can’t pick up my alley cat if my hands are full of an umbrella air gun. Thus, the list of other versions I fully expect to have specifically manufactured just for me includes but is not limited to: a jogging hat (hands free), a dog coat, my car (so I can have a true Truman Show moment), the bottoms of my shoes (will I fly?), or maybe I’ll just buy the company and demand that every model have a mandatory instrument implemented so the pushed air that keeps you dry also inevitably makes fun flute noises on its way out. That way, when it rains in the city, no one can talk on their cells over the cacophonous collective canopy bobbing above.
In the meantime, however, I’ll be experimenting with this current version surreptitiously while it’s still not terribly mainstream. Like holding it in my purse on the next rainy day we have, and seeing which exact angle I have to point it at to effectively drench passersby who mistakenly thought they’d be safe under their cumbersome cloth umbrellas.
’cause on bad mood rainy days, it’s totally worth me getting soggy to see others suffer.
Science is magical.