College creates “texting” lane. And our freeways should too.

“What an idiot,” I thought as I shade-threw at the girl in the lane next to me who was texting on a phone sheathed in a neon green otter box. “Way too easy for a cop to see,” I continued judging as I looked back down to finish my own text message her idiocy had interrupted. This is the part where the “I do it too” part of the joke.. Read More

Rocking Puma doesn’t mean I am one, boys. #keepmovin

This is just a quick memo for all you high school members of the male species. Especially the ones hitting on me as I escape society for an afternoon woodsy run. Hello, children. My name is MissAshleyPants. And I’m here to shed some light on the very important topic of “cougars”. Ya see, I get that it’s nice to have a notch in your belt carved deeply by the sharp.. Read More

Marriage: still waiting for my grip to come in

I had mild panic attack an hour ago. But this time, as I slowly entered flaccid paralysis, I opted to do a little bit of self-awareness assessment (might’s well, I thought, seeing as there wasn’t much else I was capable of managing). So… what was the source of this sadistic corporeal sorcery? Was it because A.) my detour to Facebook today featured my best friend(who was one’a the last to.. Read More

The demon whisperer

I read this quote in an artsy journal a couple years ago: The book was this Barnes & Nobles find – filled with similar quotestagraphics from famey folk (ranging from Radiohead’s lead singer to phrases like Rilke’s) and meant for the purchaser to pen in all their various mental ruminations and bad habits. A vice diary, if you will. Naturally, I gave it away as a gift (instead of putting.. Read More

Shout out to the real azz wifies ‘n moms

I’ve always been curious about that whole marriage ritual. Ya know? Like the jewelry, for instance. Why the left hand? Why the hand at all? Somehow, I just feel like it would be more appropriate if, instead of the finger, the ring went on the toe. And, actually, instead of a band at all – it were a tag: Ah. Yes. Far more accurate. It’s interesting how easily I get.. Read More

Who wants to fund my genius reality show idea?

I know, I know. Reality shows are the bathsalts of all television programming – but hear me out. ‘cause I’ve got a real winner on deck here. And don’t ask me what spurred a concept for this brand of idea. Because the answer, probably lies somewhere in those morning hour ruminations. You know? Where you’re still half awake? And your brain’s become the bed in which your sister’s description of.. Read More

I think I just created the best job ever…

Coming to Wegman’s upper floor is great. I get to work, watch people, quickly press random keys on my keyboard while trying to look like a “plugged in” Zuckployee as soon as they catch me staring at them… It’s really quite an efficient waste of my time way to get work done without getting too terribly ADHD ejected outta my mind jet. I mean, as I literally just noted, the.. Read More

Openminded Mo.

Fccking finally. I finally got Mohammad to speak. Not, like, the Islamic prophet. I mean the dude who mans the checkout stand in the grocery store. As a restless, annoying creature, I’m the sort who’ll get bored and start mentally and physically fidgeting if I’m among others but not talking to them for too long. This is probably why I’ve never quite acclimated to yoga class. Or any class in.. Read More

Lady in waiting room, speculumating.

Mmmkay, ladies. This one’s for you. Ever just sat in the office of the doc that spelunks your lady cave (while they took forever to see you) and look around? Thumb through their reading material? Annoy fellow patients? Ever analyze the décor? And ever notice how effing sneaky their setups are? If you’re like me, and they take approximately pi billion years before they actually see you (even though you.. Read More

I’m in love with a corpulent Ukrainian

“Can I have the breast pillow?” Typical question to ask. If you’re a chick. And if you’re walking into the back of Massage Envy while inquiring about supportive accessories that’ll make your lady accessories comfortable while laying down during your session (they aren’t huge, but I can’t relax the backs of my shoulders if my chesticles are vexed). A less typical reply? The one that followed, issued by my portly.. Read More