What I learned from screw-icidal mice

Jesus. I thought I had a fckkd up relache with sex. But then I read about this animal today called the Antechinus – who forks for fourteen hours at a time, OD’s on his own testosterone, and then finally dies ‘cause his immune system goes out. (On the upside, he doesn’t have to stick around to raise the kids seeing as they’re burying his bones while he’s still got a.. Read More

I can teach this fish to walk?

It was somewhere around 5ish when the sushi craving began to take hold. Don’t ask me why I referenced Fear and Loathing just now, but I expect it’s likely the fact that all I could think of was that scene with the melting reptilian bog dwelling creatures as I went from having said craving… to reading this article about a walking fish. Perfect timing. Not that I eat fish anyway.. Read More

I feel like sloths are just trolling us.

Logically, I get it. Sloths are innately slow creatures. We’re all just supposed to accept that and believe they’re not lying arseholes. We even use the two words interchangeably – it’s why the junkie in Se7en got strapped to a bed and force-fed dope into his veins till he ate his own tongue off. (Best PSA for drugs ever.) But, still, sometimes I can’t accept that they aren’t just trolling.. Read More

Woof wardrobe isn’t 100% stupid (say experts). But close (says me.)

When I was little, my mom would make me wear the most mortifying ensembles. Baubles. Clown suits. Ribbons with streamers. Dresses with shoulders that looked like cheerleader pompoms and felt like the pads the players they were cheering for wore. Mushroom hair cuts and thick awkward bangs. Tights and long sweatshirts. Poor fitting warm up suits that felt silly because I’d not yet myself been indoctrinated into the sports I.. Read More

5 things we can learn from these animals

Much like all of non-human nature, I learn a lot from my dog. I learn the value of rest, the simple bliss experienced at the touch of another creature, how to properly greet someone I haven’t seen all day (or for ten minutes), and how to really revel in the delight of dinnertime – spilling the contents of my bowl everywhere. A happy, joyous, slob. And, thanks to the joint.. Read More

Dat vengeance, doe.

Sometimes, on my sunrise runs, I’ll hear too-close for comfort gunshots. You’re not allowed to hunt in these woods, but people do – when they think they’ll be unseen. I’m not that well read on hunting, but I assume it’s a morning sport – judging from when I hear the proximate firing. It doesn’t bother me, much. Generally, I’ll don a bright red or pink something to make sure I.. Read More

Monkey see, monkey save

As often as I see these stories, I still sit there slack-jawed and captivated every damn time. And that goes for my humankind’s acts of kindness on the tracks too. A dude jumping on top of another dude while the train moves above them both. A man in a full on fancy business suit, hopping into the track to carry a fallen hobo out just in time. The reverse of.. Read More

4 reasons you’d die if you hibernated till spring.

We can learn much from our animal friends. Sadly, most of the really the fun stuff (like sitting on power lines or trying to fly off a roof or in anything that’s not huge, pressurized, and shitting fuel across the sky) is generally admonished against attempting. But aside from dancing across the clouds, hunting a blissfully unaware still breathing dinner from afar, or screwing shamelessly in public, one of the.. Read More

I need this dog that doesn’t exist.

“I need this dog in my life for Christmas,” I said to myself the second I saw this: However, how this creature came to be suddenly sparked a thought-debate between my sister and I today: Sis: How the hell do they mate? Me: Have you ever seen how high those lil dogs can jump? S: I’m really trying to imagine this. M: Think of it like a slam dunk –.. Read More

Eff the circus. Leave these poor fat ass elephants alone.

It’s adorable seeing animals anthropomorphized on the interwebz. Sometimes it’s even useful. Especially if you’re issuing grim life updates: And I get sick of seeing the peanut gallery and their buzz killery via shaming owners for the adorable media being shared: “Waaah… You must be abusing your dog if they’re sitting in that swing… or walking on two legs… or on fire…” You know the deal. You’ve seen the comments… Read More