4 reasons to put a ‘bucks up in the club

Ya know, that last ridiculous-sizes-at-Starbucks article got me thinking. Thinking about drinking. And partying. Don’t give me that look. I mean, the two topics might not seem similar enough to compare to one another, but seeing as the previous piece’s topic was indeed about excess (with those venti and venti plus beverages they push over there), it kinda sorta does. But, in a good way. Prospectively. Cause (as usual) I.. Read More

2 years later, I figure out what Upstream Color’s about.

Recently, after my musings about my affinity for sci-fi romances, I had an epiphany about one of my all time faves: Upstream Color. A couple years back, I wrote this long and disjointed piece about it because – while I loved this shit outta this film – I didn’t quite “get” it. The music was fantastic. The cinematography was next-level. The acting was superb. But, when I tried to explain.. Read More

5 things I woke up (that are so not Beyonce)

I’ve got that stupid Beyonce lyric in my head. (Those pajamas look terribly uncomfortable.) I dunno why. Certainly not a desire to partake in the hashtag meme – ‘cause my wakeup’s are far from Sleeping Beauty post coma selfie worthy. At least, I assume they are. I had the mirror removed from the ceiling over my bed after Patrick Bateman and I broke up so there’s no way of knowing.. Read More

5 beauty lies I tell myself. And by myself, I mean you.

Part of my spiritual path is making others feel better about themselves. Ya know? Showing others how beautiful they are and all that? So, today, as I was ritualistically caking assorted liquids and powders on the front of my skull, I thought, “What better way to do that than to call on another part of my spiritual path? The part where I’m meant to be honest?” You see, in writing,.. Read More

Soldiers’ dogs that *my* dog should learn from.

Maybe I should join the military. That way my dog can love me as much as all these other dogs gone viral do when their humans return from deployment. I mean these mother fluffers get next-level amped at the sight of their soldier guardians, and mine just lays there like I’m some banal phantom when I meander back through my front door. She might put forth just enough effort to.. Read More

6 reasons I ain’t mad at the interwebz today

Some days I’m sorry I got on social media at all. It’s not like I have a choice, really. I mean, that’s part of what I do – get online, observe the fcckery unfolding around me (while equipped with my metaphorical theater snacks) and then try to weave the digital dinosaur diarrhea pouring from all corners of the interwebz into a glittering, golden, ensemble. But today, from everyone’s favorite filtered.. Read More

6 things single Valentine-less you can do today

I celebrated Valentine’s Day once. It was with a boyfriend. But, really, we were just rainchecking on a “date” from another weekend. And we didn’t exchange gifts. It was kindofa fluke. Because 2-14-AnyYear is just of those holidays that’s like a magnified version of Facebook’s “someone got hitched/is in a relache/here’s their wedding album/here’s a mini babbling extension of their ego in flesh form” notifications. Except it’s all condensed down.. Read More

4 hot-body tips from porn stars

With spring just a couple months away, I’ve been looking for Spring-spiration to improve my body karate game. And yours (’cause I’m generous and I share tips here. You’re welcome). But talking about exercise and health gets really boring after a while. Doesn’t it? Like, really, what hasn’t been said or done anymore? We’ve covered Gwen’s workout routines and looked at what frappu-greenos people gag down. And that’s all nice,.. Read More

And now for a list of terrifying sex toys.

Today, I learned what a “Vajankle” was. I can’t show you the picture. Because even when they’re depicted in silicone form, I’m pretty sure the WordPress overlords frown on photographs depicting feet with built-in snatches at the superior stump portion. So, instead, I’ll just let you marinate on that description, click here at your discretion, or just use your imagination to figure out what this novelty item’s for. As ever,.. Read More

Foods that make you go ew, oh, and aghh! (Part 2)

Yes, we’re back with more foods that make you go ew, oh, and agggh! Wait, did you miss part 1? You did? Shhh sshh. No need to fret. It’s right here. Go ahead. Head over. Read at your leisure. We’ll be here patiently awaiting your return. …. 4. GRAPEFRUIT + DRUGS Category: “Aghhh!” and then “Ew” if you eat certain pharmaceuticals with it. (This gif’s a perfect Inception-esque (eh?) metaphor.. Read More