I’ll say it once more, and with feeling:
If you’re gonna do a crime, do it right.
Maybe you’ve read some of my other posts, and you already know I have one rule about committing crime: only do it if you’re smart enough to do it successfully. If you’re counterfeiting bills and putting them into circulation of the Taco Bell you own, then know how to play your employees better. If you’re posing as a TSA agent so you can feel up women, try not to get drunk first – it’s a dead giveaway. Or, in today’s case, if you’re a Kansas car thief speeding away from the cops, maybe wait to start phoning your friends to brag about your swag new free ride until after your rearview’s clear of flashing blue lights.
Or else, this might happen:
Now that just puts the “car”…
… in karma…
A witness said that as she was speeding off, they could see her gabbing away on her cell phone before losing control of the SUV and plummeting into this building which imploded onto her car. You’d think she would have been deadsies, especially since a giant car from the second level came crashing down – but it just barely missed her. She’d probably have preferred that, though. Because now she gets to go to the hospital and wake up imminently with not only scratches and a car crash hangover – but also a pretty new pair of legal bracelets chaining her to the metal edge of the bed.
In a way, this story’s not that different from the idiot TSA agent who couldn’t wait to go home and get drunk until after he was done feeling up pre-flight females. Because clearly both the airport perv and this car thief have addiction in common. It’s just his was the bottle and hers is technology. With the latter, it becomes an inception-issue, though. Because much like alcohol is more acceptable of an addiction than heroin – iphones are more acceptable of an addiction than alcohol. So we take them everywhere and indulge our dependency shamelessly and in public. The conundrum, however, is that using your mobile while automobile driving – is a crime. (So is drinking, but TSA guy could’ve taken a cab for all we know). Anyway, the point is: thisf Kansas lady was doing a crime within a crime and she blew at both of ‘em.
I see stupid drivers all the time (who aren’t even stealing cars… hopefully) who can’t be smart about their technology addiction either. If from two lanes across and five cars back, I can see you holding up giant neon colored otter box your thumb’s dancing across, then guess what? You’re doing it wrong. So this meta-transgression homegirl committed is two-fold. She clearly needs an outlaw remedial ed course if she wants to keep playing movie-character Paul Walker – before she ends up IRL Paul Walker. Also, mayhaps a rehab program for iphone and general Mac addiction (you make fun – but I bet you an itunes gift card it’s gonna be a thing in a decade or less.)
‘cause for now the only call she’s gonna be getting is one…
And it’s not from a smartphone.
#terriblezingers