Miss Ashley Pants

So, wait. All these symbols we’ve been calling occult mean celebs…just… meditate?

That’s boring. Why not just say so then?

WHY SO MYSSSSTEERIOUS?

Same reason you don’t spout off about your religion. That, and greed, maybe.

We know this gland can make us more awake and aware. It can make us read other people better too. But it takes a little work. Like acquiring gold. That makes it rare.

So, if most people think it’s hogwash and are less awake, then those who’ve realized its effects are the elite few on a whole ‘nother level (kinda like the Cooper character).

Just like anything else, some will hoard it and some will share it (if bitches be angry you wore the same dress, do you think they’d share mind-magic tricks?). Some celebs will stay secretive (the bonus is that people will keep talking shit which keeps them relevant).

Others will simply tell you to do yoga or meditate to access happiness.

FCK YOU, PINEAL ME

“But, why doesn’t mine work?” you’re probably not asking assuming you’re even still reading this.

Like anything else, crappy food and stuff we gobble can hinder the gland from working properly. It’s simple. Like how if you drink too much firewater – your liver gets sad and your eyes go yellow. You eat too much fast food – your arteries look like a lard kinked hose. Likewise, fluoride in toothpaste or tap water just happen to be among the stuff that stymies the pineal gland from doing its best.

Some’ll say your government is poisoning your pineal glands.

Eh…I dunno about that.

Here’s the thing. When you run through the village waving a torch at townspeople about shadow governments, most of them will: 1. Get nervous and look for their mace 2. Think you’re ridic, so anything you say henceforth is categorically bullshit.

Boom. You’ve lost your credibility.

That’s why I’m here to say – so what? Get different toothpaste if that’s what you think, dipshit. And bottled water, if you please. Personally, I haven’t been hanging out with Osiris in an astral palace, but I do get some pretty dope inspiration when my forehead clit flips on.

Oh, and I brush with shitty toothpaste. So, there’s that.

Hey, maybe I’m just not dedicated enough. I get a “C” in consciousness. ‘least I show up for class.

The other theory is the furtive aspect’s just another fantastic distraction – like the news.

Or Kardashians.

Or this:

NOBODY GOT TIME FEAR DAT

As religion has beautifully demonstrated, fear is an efficient tool to keep folks in line. If “everyone” seems to be afraid of something, you get anxious too. (Remember that scene in Jurassic Park where they run because the whole flock is?)

If you’re afraid of something, you’ll avoid the imagery you saw it with, too. So, if you’re misinformed – then suddenly presented with tools that’d let you educe DMT from your own noggin, and the people with these tools show up with the Horus Eyeball tattoo (‘cause maybe it means to them what the crucifix means for Hay-Zeuss followers), then you run screaming from it. Intolerant racist…

The only realistic theory if our third eye’s got legs to it, it’s that the mysterious “they” count on us using those legs to dash from our own freedom and deeper into irrational fear.

CELEBS AND SACRED SHIT

So the signs start to make sense – both what it means to celebs and why they don’t share. You, see, there’s a saying spiritual leaders tend to say about “faith”. They say: “If something’s sacred to you, don’t discuss it. Don’t say it aloud to others.

What? Why?

1. When you feel something spontaneously that makes ya happy, you try explaining it to a friend. What happens? You sound like a pothead explaining the plot of Mulholland Drive or Memento, is what.

2. It gives assholes a chance to stomp on the thing that made life seem momentarily less meaningless for you. And suddenly you believe it’s a bit stupid, after all, too.

Shrouding shit in mystery makes people assume there’s something to hide. In high anxiety society, we assume the worst. And what’s possibly worse than interdimensional creatures ripping a hole in spacetime to issue demonic orders to A-listers (who obviously morph into lizard creatures to take better notes)?

If you like your life as is, change nada! I ain’t even care.

But if you’re repeating the story, “CALM DOWN, I GOT THIS SHEEEIT,” before binging, drugging, or fcking away your feelings, then – ya know. Try something different. Come to the dark side.

But only ‘cause you close your eyes to get there.