It’s funny. And when I say “funny”, I mean…well, stupid.
Allow me to back up a bit: Speaking of “stupid” versus “smart” (when it comes to technology), my cell phone’s genre is best described by the former of the two adjectives. While some have state-of-the-art communication devices, dubbed “smart” phones, I’ve the “dumbphone”.
And, even if I didn’t, they’re always changing… For a while it was the “crackberry”. There was the time of the Razr. Iphones have stayed popular for a while, along with the ♪Droooooid♪
But, none of that for me!
All the while I’ve clung continuously to the comfort of the clamshell and it’s flippy goodness.
Gasp! – you may say.
And, really, so do I. I mean, my only reason for refusing to up the ante is out of pure laziness. It all boils down to the fact that I just don’t want to learn how to use a new piece of technology. I mean, even having to learn this new clamshell I bought (when my old flippy broke), was a nuisance I begrudged having to do at all.
And even that POS step-up-from-the-geriatric-cellular was the closest thing I could possibly get to the former fossil to which I finally had to bid adieu after three years. Really, as similar as it was, it shouldn’t have been that bothersome for me to learn…
Don’t get me wrong – I mean, there are at least some other “pro’s” to the antique-nology to which I’ve stuck. For one, I notice the new phones require dual manual manipulation; none of this one handed type-with-your-thumb-and-send business.
Why does that matter, Ashley? Is your left hand broken?
Well, no.
And while I realize in full that it’s illegal to text while driving, guess what? Much like speeding, signaling intent, or strapping on that strangulating seatbelt, I still defy that law! But I do it without an issue. Why? Because I can.
After so many years of using the same kind of phone, you know where every key is to type a message “blind”, and can even memorize how to get to the text messaging template without taking your eyes off the road before you. Take away the need for two hands to type (as with the smartphones), and voila! You’ve got your left hand on the wheel, right on the phone (out of cop car view), and your feet doing their usual thing below…
Can’t do that with the smartphones~!!
There’s the expense factor as well… I can’t afford the cost of the phone itself, nor the internet I’d inevitably overuse/for which I’d overpay were it in my possession.
Yet, all of that doesn’t take away from the horror of my text-type English devolving and turning ultimately into something reminiscent of sitting on a laptop keyboard, flatulating forcefully, and then seeing what has transpired on the screen above thereafter.
Words like “really” regress to “rly”. Or “back” turns to “bk”. “About” becomes “abt”, while “your” morphs into “ur”… You get the idea aka (u gt IDa).
Or, should any extra letters make their way into a word, thanks to the fabulous combination of my man thumb/quick and lazy typing, I won’t bother to go back, erase, or correct anything.
Why? Well, because I’m lazy! Obviously less lazy than I was to learn/buy the new smart phone, but lazy nonetheless.
But, even more so, it’s because I hate the button setup on these phones. A single numbered button on a dumb-phone comprises approximately three letters per aforementioned digit. (IE – 2 contains A,B,C; 3 includes D, E,F, etc.)
Because of this layout, a multitude of once benign words of the English language, suddenly become the bane of my existence and entirely enraging on an otherwise calm day. These have come to include but are not limited to the godawful “back-to-back” letters (letters found on the same key).
Think about if someone asked you how you got home from somewhere at the beginning of the week, and having to reply with a text like “Took a cab back Monday night”
Ugh…. As, you probably know, all the letters I put in bold are the ones that drive me nuts. Why? You have to type “C” (wait for the cursor to process the fact that you typed ‘C’), then type “A” (wait for the cursor again), and then, finally type “B”.
If you tried to type all of those letters quickly, and in succession, you’d just keep typing A/B/C over and over again and never have any of the three remain on the screen.
Thus, due to this same-button-policy, I just have started intentionally misspelling everything and anything that’s inconvenient.
Words like “night” becomes “nite”, as do many other “same button” letter comprising members of the English language (unless, of course, I can find an appropriate, less pain-in-the-ass synonym).
Oh, but God forbid you have to text message with a boss. You can’t look like an idiot to him, obviously!
My lazy Ashley schtick’s gotta go out the window for a bit; Not only do I have to wait patiently while the same-button with the letter I need next resets itself, but I’ve gotta do the proverbial “cross your T’s and dot your I’s” – or in this case, just go through the ass-pain of finding the capitalize function to ensure my self referencing “i” gets upper-cased.
And, without smartphone, there’s no internet access. So, I’ve got the phone in one hand, and Firefox a la laptop occupied by the other, while I make sure that my handful of “words I always forget how to spell” are taken care of.
While he waits, thinking I’m ignoring him or just short-bus ‘slow’ to reply, I’m asking google: “Is it success? – Double the C, double the S?” … “I before E except after C – or when sounded like A as in ‘neighbor’ or ‘weig-…aait a minute; Why does “success” have two C’s but “necessary” only has one? And is profession just one F?”
So, I’ve got Wikipedia on one tab, Google on another… Also, instead of pressing “reply”; I’ve started a whole new text template to nix the recipient’s name/number (just in case the stupid ass phone does the premature-sending thing it often does).
And now, as the cherry on top, even after seemingly fifteen minutes of researching a single word/idea (in hopes that I don’t sound devoid of an IQ with numbers in it, so that my boss doesn’t ask to see the hard copy of my bachelor’s degree which he might believe by that point I don’t even possess – or just a GED for that matter), the damned cursor on my text template still hasn’t processed the fact that I typed ‘A’; thus it is not ready to let me type ‘B’ or ‘C’ quite yet…
Online, those of you who know me, may dub me the proper-“English nazi” (incidentally I loathe the term “grammar” nazi, as it fails to cover the fact that my generation’s “epic-failures” transcend that of merely grammar. Rather, they include everything from misspellings to the repetitive and embarrassing misuses of numerous words and phrases).
However, although this “English Nazi” ninja continues to watch and wait to whistle-blow you on your daily detestable diction online, rest assured that I still moonlight via text as a horror story for the screens of my poor cell recipients.
You wouldn’t even know I’m the same chick had you known me online first…
So, someday soon, when the true allegorical reference (attempting a professional text message with patience) above repeats itself (with the alternate ending of the clamshell dumbphone going the way of the fax machine from “Office Space”), perhaps one laziness will beat out the other, and I’ll finally give into an iphone or some cheaper comparable dupe.
Perhaps, in lieu of “my bk hrts superbd i dnt wna go 2 wrk 2day” or “nite nite”, you all can look forward to a few mere auto-spell mistakes instead.
For instance: As I try, one sleepy evening, to reply to a gentleman friend asking me out for cocktails that: “Sweetie, yeah… I’d like that but can’t tonight!”, he’ll get: “Sweetie, yeah! I’ll lick that butt crack too!!”
xoxo
<3~A