I have an early ass business meeting, so I’mma make this quick before my nap.

As season whatever-it-is-now closes, I just have to ask my fellow Dead Walker Watchers:

1. Where are all of these blue, dusty looking zombies coming from? There are stages to death!

At least some post mortem skin slippage? Degloving?

The body doesn’t just dry up right away after death. There are stages. I want to see at least one walker at the gate spontaneously have part of his skin rupture and explode from the building gases inside of him (not just when stabbed).

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Ironically, one of the worse-off walkers was actually not a walker at all but a crawler: the one Rick encountered right after the apocalypse on the ground outside the hospital as he rode away on his huffy. How did she look so decayed so quickly, while everyone else looks like they aren’t a day over dead… after a year?

I’ll let the livor mortis pass (that’s when the skin pools in one area after a while) because they’re obviously moving around so it’s just staying where it is.

2. Speaking of moving around, where do the walkers get their ATP from to move their muscles? I get that they’re back from the dead because of a virus or something, but there’s still gotta be a science to it since the CDC was involved. It’s not supposed to be magic. This isn’t True Blood. Zombies have to contract muscles to move and they have to have ATP to do that. The ones who haven’t eaten in a long time should be a lot weaker than the ones who recently feasted. That should be a thing.

3. Why aren’t there more flies and maggots on the walkers? It’s free dead meat. They aren’t going to flick them away! Dinner’s served, betches! Where you at?

4. Why doesn’t anybody’s hair or facial hair grow? Are they using whatsername’s samurai sword for that? Even if I let that pass, I can’t let the fact pass that everyone’s eyebrows stay perfectly plucked.

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Wait, speaking of which… did Andrea have the means to do some downstairs grooming before bumpin’ uglies with the Gov’nah? If not, that explains the season finale. I would have killed myself out of embarrassment.

5. Did anyone have contact lenses when it happened? How are they keeping them from drying up or storing them at night? What if they lose them?

6. Why hasn’t ANYONE gotten sick and turned from getting zombie blood spatter into any of their facial orifices like eyes, nose, or mouth? It happens via blood transfer right? It’s not just the teeth and bite that makes it special, is it? And you know that’s a job hazard when you’re a zombie slayer. Still, I’ve yet to see that happen.

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7. What do they brush their hair with? Or teeth?

And finally number 8 is an answer:

Somebody asked a while ago why zombies look so dirty so quickly after the apocalypse starts.

Well, first, you’d shit your pants a little if you got bit, much less eaten to death. Second, the skin gets discolored on its own as the blood stops circulating and stuff dies, and then turns greenish as gases of dead cells and normal bacteria your body fights off when alive, take over, come to the surface, and rupture the skin. Also, whatever waste you didn’t expel when you pooped yourself as you died, would also leave the body pretty soon after deadsies. So there you go. Lots of reasons to be get dirty really fast as a zombie.

Now YOUR turn to answer my questions.

xoxo
<3~A