As I lay face down in dirt and injured on that beautiful day in 2008, I thought:

“I… do … not.. *cough*… get paid enough for this.”

Meanwhile, the monstrous dog (Arden was his name) that’d just pulled me down danced clumsily around me, celebrating his victory. I was working at a vet back then. And the thing is, falls and scrapes and bruises came with the territory. I knew that when I signed on. But Arden was the final straw for what I’d ruminated over for a long time – the insufficient compensation I and the other techs got. I don’t mean my employers were at fault. It was an agreed amount. Rather, what was flabbergasting to me after I began said gig, was how ridiculously low the wages were for a position that was so demanding. How many other people were stoically straining their bodies for 8 to 12 hours a day and scrubbing bloody dog diarrhea from crates for a pittance? I don’t remember the exact wage I was earning, but it was somewhere between dog food and minimum wage. Ridiculous, I always thought. These are our furry family members I’m serving. Not a golden arched artery blocker to go. Why don’t we deserve more for our battle scars?

Aside from being in the WWE, what worthy job would pay me sufficiently to earn my battle scars?

Today, I got my answer:

Paint Ball Target.

I shiz you not. I just learned today that there’s such a thing as a human person who gets paid to stand around and willingly take arrows of liquid pellets to the knee. Except, instead of retiring and turning into the worst meme in the world, they stand exposed in battle like Jackson. That’s Stonewall, mind you, not Michael. Although if you do have access to his brand of painkillers, it might mitigate the pain level so you can get through your workday. And if you don’t do drugs?

Mayhaps you can just stand there and reflect on the fact that you’re getting $60,000 per effing year.

Where’s my hunger games meme?

The only life changes required are apparently moving to the UK. That and being willing to get shot in the vaj. Or cornea.

“The job advert also states that the successful applicant may also occasionally have to wear limited items of clothing whilst the paint bullets are being tested, in order to research some “worst case” scenarios. The successful applicant will be required to stand on the spot whilst paint balls are fired at them, but they won’t have any protective gear and may also occasionally be required to be shot at with paint balls whilst in motion, such as when walking, running or jumping. The job has flexible working hours, around one to two hours a day, and a pro rata salary of £40,000”

One to two hours a day?

Part of me knows most of that money’s probably gonna go to hospital bills. But the way I see it, most jobs are gonna fckk over your body anyway. From serving in the military to caring for a kennel full of loveably furry assholes like I did, there are plenty of ways for that to happen. But it can also happen from sitting at a desk all day and then sitting in traffic and then sitting in front of a T.V. or laptop – never making time to do anything active until your horrific posture turns into a thoroughgoing problem that makes you ultimately need neck, back, or shoulder surgery. Unless your job is to travel and write reviews on the quality of massages, hot tubs, and happy endings in different cities around the world, chances are you’re getting some war wounds along the way. And even then, you’ll probably get a DVT from all the flying. So, yes… I’m all about standing around and getting shot at to improve a game I’ve never played.

Even though part of me (disc L4/L5 to be specific) kinda wants to hunt down Arden and make him do it.

While I collect his earnings. Then we’d be even.

That’d be about square.