Two things are for sure in my life.

Coffee.

And coffee.

Okay, three: and… cardio.

Both the liquid A.M. pick me up and my kicks kickin’ up dirt and sweat have proven equally addictive pastimes for me. In fact, the coffeemaker on my counter hasn’t taken a holiday since the day we met. Even that one when I said I was going to quit cold turkey. (“I just… need to smell it brewing, maaan…” And then I drank the whole thing.) Likewise, if I’m having a lazy day and don’t feel like working out, my body’s autopilot setting commandeers the ship like some sorta Space Odyssey robot and before I know it, I’m halfway through my run and thinking about… well, coffee, probably.

And science says a bit of both may not be a terrible tendency.


(Yes, Tweetie. The stirring’s got a positively Pavlovian effect on me, too.)

In fact, while the multitudes of cardio-grammers post pictures of their pre-workout mix (which I’m still not convinced isn’t just meth lovingly mixed in with whey protein powder), caffeine might just have proven an appropriate shoe in. According a recent study done, those who crushed a cup o’ joe pre-gym reported a better, easier, experience than those who hadn’t:

The study basically simulated your average morning: a mug of coffee to wake up, a little gym time, another cup with breakfast, followed by lunch. Fourteen participants completed two moderate workouts on a stationary bike: one where they took caffeine (equal to two 8-ounce cups of coffee or 4 cups of black tea) 90 minutes before the workout, and one where they took a placebo. When caffeinated, the participants reported the ride as way easier than it was without the stimulant.

Ah… but I’m trying to cut back on coffee. Not have an excuse to drink more!

Well, if I had to choose between my addictions, I’ll say this: I will leave the house without coffee for nothing. No appointment, no person, no special requests. You don’t exist and I’m not in this world till it’s in my bloodstream. But a couple weeks ago when I knew it was gonna snow and my car’d be packed in, I woke up early and had to choose between a warm comforting mug of legal crack while shielded from the elements safely inside … or beating the snow before it started with an early frost infused jog. Then something happened. My decision centers shut down. And my meat marionette – suddenly possessed by the old familiar cardio demons – had my workout-wear plastered to my body within moments. And I was out the door. I’d no choice in the matter and thus can take no responsibility for or pride in this episode. But apparently that’s what happens when the two are in competish.

Good to know.

Plus, now that that has happened, we can compare my rare results against my usual coffee’d jogs. Having had a history of working out under less, shall we say – admirable but also chemically augmented jogs – I’ll offer this nugget of knowledge: Of course your workout’s going to be more enjoyable with coffee in your system. It’s a drug. Shit, I bet if I injected heroin into my sclera, it’d be a pretty fun workout too. It might culminate in a nap at the halfway mark, but it’d be “easier” and definitely “enjoyable”, as they put it in the study. However, what goes unnaturally up must come crashing down (otherwise I’d be writing this in hieroglyphics from an opium den, most likely). Thus, the two drawbacks to chugging a mug of the stuff (for me, at least) are that the workout doesn’t always last quite as long (if you like to go over 30 minutes on a terrain, you might tucker out prematurely as the stuff wears off), and – secondly – that when it’s over, sometimes the cardio crash and the caffeine crash synch up to a fate worse than having had neither at all.

Just kidding. There’s nothing worse than that.

Except chasing both of ‘em with a third high maybe:

Though, if you’re gonna go on a legal bender, I highly recommend this trifecta.

’cause Adam’s not wrong.

It is pretty fun.