Miss Ashley Pants

“We’re off to buy prescriptions!

Because because because because… E-ver-y-body else does!”

(Ya know, instead of that suggestible marionette meatwad ya got in there?)

I may sound like I’m slamming Dr. Oz here, but I’m actually about to do the opposite.

Seriously, did he refuse to join the illuminati or something? ‘cause homeboy’s been under some serious fire of late with all these stories popping up about how half the stuff on his show is actually untrue or unproven. That claim about falsities on his show is something I both agree and disagree with. Because while I’ve got no real allegiance to Oz, I did used to watch his show on the regular when I was still a T.V. junkie. Part of what I dug about his whole setup was how he (or his creative team, whatevz) came up with these cool, visual representations of how common biological processes happen in our bodies – from food turning into feces all the way to how cellulite forms on your ass.

But what was ever better was how he didn’t really push anything.

His whole bit was about being open minded to different approaches to the same problems heaps of people face on the daily. For example, sure he’d invite on Sally Hypothetical to talk about her eat-nothing-but-avocado-and-pop-rocks diet. But from the moment she stepped on the stage, it was like interviewing someone from a different religion. He wouldn’t corroborate anything. He wouldn’t say “I agree”. And I don’t think I ever remember him saying “Buy this product”. What he would say is the same complimentary service a talk show host apathetic about a celeb they’re interviewing would: “If you wanna see StupidMovie starring BitchFace McGee, it comes out on the first!” Except, in this case, it’s “If you wanna buy her product, you can do that at CVS.”

My concession – not everything on the show was true, health beneficial, or even miraculous.

But he never claimed they were.

And people are now complaining about program titles like “Miracle Cures” and the like being “deceptive”. But, I say, if your capacity for being discerning is that crappy, mayhaps you should watch less T.V. in general and pick up a book. Even through my pain pill dependency and T.V. junkie-ism (when I watched Oz the most), I still could tell that those titles were ironic and nada more. That’s not me back-patting, but mourning the mind-ectomy my brothers and sisters of this planet have apparently self-performed. Why is it hard for relatively normal folk tell the difference between reality and television? Even if you’re getting advice from a show, the point is that there IS no miracle anything cure. And if you’re not quite bright enough to tell the difference between a doctor who’s being open minded to innovative solutions (which not enough doctors are despite the fact that medicine’s an ever evolving field) versus one who’s issuing a blanket prescription via broadcast (which no one can do and Oz isn’t trying to), then you kinda deserve to pop the wrong pill he’s not endorsing and take the critical listening skills trophy home to the boneyard for this year’s Darwin awards.

Come on, people. Look at how unspiritual you’re making me be. We’re smarter than this, right?

Deep down, we all know T.V. remotes aren’t part of our insurance plans? Don’t we?

Yes? Good! Then arise from your rumps, visit your primary care physician.

And ask that person about the product in question.

(There are more ways than “the only way” #AdventureTimeWisdom)

PROTIP: Don’t ever utter the following to your physician:

“But Dr. Oz said I should….”

Not ever, never, like crack: not even once.