About a year ago, I went to see Russell Brand perform live.
It was about two hours of non-stop awesomery lighting up the stage. I hate sitting in any kind of theater for a prolonged period of time, but the next-level content of the jokes made time seem to stop altogether. I only had to get up once or twice to stretch. The rest of the duration, I was lost in laughter – like any good live stand up comedy experience will offer you. That’s why, when I read about this recent “pay per laugh” club in Barcelona, I wondered how much of a moment-killer that is for the audience.
Then, as I read further, I was more creeped out at the idea than annoyed.
Because what they do, is install ipads on the seat backs of every chair – programmed with facial recognition. So, based off your reaction, this thing documents whatever passes for a laugh – and then tallies up your tittering on a tab. Something about this bothers me. First, because I want to know what constitutes a chargeable chuckle.
And secondly, it seems tantamount to narrating the bodily functions of coitus as it happens.
“Does that feel good baby?”
“Mmmmyes.”
(*Reaches for spectacles, pen, and notepad while flicking on the light*)
“My urethra is now spasming in three second intervals and I’m experiencing a slight Oxytocin induced euphoria.
(*Puts down pad. Turns off light again. Folds arms neatly across chest.*)
“Proceed.”
Easy way to circumvent this, really, though:
1. Laugh like a Harajuku Girl (the face cover)
2. Get a front row seat (no seat back, no seat back ipad #amiright?!)
3. Troll the system (anonymous mask)
“Hey, Bob. Did you bring snacks? I was gonna stop at the concession stand but, like, I thought it might kill the illusion a little.”
However – the mode of laughter capture seems far more frightening in its implications than the prospect of getting a thrill bill at the end of the show. That might be because this technology is being slowly employed for more varieties of commercial reasons in less obvious ways.
Sure, they do this in movie theaters during pre-screening to gauge audience reaction, see how bored or excited they area, and use that feedback info to edit-tweak where it’s needed. You’ve probably heard of that. But they’re also apparently using this in some stores to see how customers are responding to certain areas of the establishment. Bit invasive, no? How long before they’re allowed to do that in the dressing room? “What we really need to see is how women respond once the Viccy’s Secret angel line lacey demi bra is actually ON the body of the potential customer… Purely for research reasons…. You know… For the greater good of the country. An’ all that.”
Of the different implements there are, I think what I like best is how (especially in L.A. clubs or bougie shops) this technology will be able to maximize income by quickly recognizing faces that belong to bodies donning cash-corpulent pockets and pocket books. Because if you can get Rosie robot to recognize celebs while you’re busy gossiping about your weekend that makes you feel relevant by association with the names you’re dropping, you can have the best of both worlds – pretending you’re important in the break-from-reality room and then pausing when necessary to give them the VIP treatment when the facial-rec alerts you they’ve arrived.
I don’t even know what that means, seeing as I’m not among the elite. Thus, I have to assume that whenever I see a glistening gazelle in Chanel sunnies that weigh more than she does, being ushered through a door in the back of wherever we both are, that it obviously leads to Narnia.
Which makes me really jealous.
Partially because I’m told Narnia is lovely this time of year.
And also because I’m told it hasn’t been overtaken with photo face rape like my land has.