Much like yoga and porn preferences, workouts are a personal thing.
Which is why the whole makeup at the gym thing is sort’ve “so what”?
In the words of Marie Antoinette – “Let them have cake (face)!”
Out of basic insecurity, it’s really easy for us to look at other people and judge. I do it – that projection thing. Whether it’s deflecting blame or mitigating shame by saying something like “Ugh. At least I’m not layered in lip gloss and eye gunk at the gym…” (which I’ve totally been before, thanks) it temporarily makes us feel better about our own ish.
That’s the whole thing with social media mocking – mass confirmation of misdirected hatred.
Which is why I’m here to say: BOOBS
Boobs at the gym. Why not?
Victoria’s Secret has this new line of lingerie that’ll let you drip sex and sweat simultaneously onto your treadmill. The cardio cleavage pieces go for between $29 and $54 and impart padding and pushup designs for those who don’t mind adding a little bounce to their burn sesh.
As for justifying this product, the VS CEO said of the gym, “It’s a fashion club now,” and added that, “The days of wearing our old workout shorts and ratty T-shirts are over.”
Yeah.
She’s not wrong. But, like, I think there’s a halfway happy medium between tattered tees and platter o’ double D’s. And I don’t say that to finger shake at whoever buys the hooter booster. (In fact, being the good Samar-tit-an that I am, I may just buy one. Juuuust to help sales).
Rather, I say it with love. ’cause the new line ain’t doing so well.
Sure, we women like to look nice anywhere we go. That’s why we go to the gym. We purge our self hatred sudoriferously. And we also want to look and feel good during the other twenty-something hours of the day without having to suck in fat or feelings alike.
That said, there are all sorts of ways to show off our miscellaneous sexy. Some chicks have better asses. Some have better racks. Our asset aspects vary in size, shape, and source.
“Well I’m just walking around in the body that God and Dr. Borkman gave me.”
The other point in gym trips is to reduce wobble. Not add to it. Think of the gym as a litmus test for progress. Whether the jiggles at the jug or butt level, it’s still wobble. And as a blonde, my brain gets confused and interprets it as being the wrong kinda fat. So let’s save the slow-mo titties for my SI photoshoot. I’m paying too much for this ratwheel I run on to clog my cognition.
Finally, there’s the “less is more” concept.
That thing many say of makeup applies here too. And no, I don’t mean less boobage or less boob coverage (sorry). What I mean is that whether we’re dressing up or putting on makeup, we want it all to look natural. Effortless. The idea is to look hot without trying – which is why yoga pants and brands like Lululemon will probably always do better. The design does the dirty work of streamlining your fat ass and stems into the gams of an Olympian gymnast. It’s effortlessly sexy. Not trying to be. No flesh popping out. Just furtively alluring.
In sum, Viccy’s new tittysling will probably do really well for those in the sell-sexy-infomercials-and-youtube-hits industry.
But for chicks who want to show off just a bit, this is too obvious for the masses. They won’t buy it for fear of being smartphone sniped as “that girl trying too hard at the gym”. Just like with makeup. So Viccy’s may wanna go back to the bra-wing board for this one.
#badpungoodgif
Yep. Because of memes and mean girls, we all miss out on oscillating racks of sub-clavicle eye candy.
Sorry guys. See? Spreading cruelty doesn’t pay.