Not that teachers are failures, but if my spine ever fails to heal and I never get a chance to do what I really want, maybe I’ll become a Biology teacher JUST so that I can rock these amazing pants for instructional purposes on the anatomy/muscle section of the class:
Although she looks a little like the scene from HellRaiser where the chick comes in without her skin on, and all the gory tendons are exposed with blood dripping hither and thither, I do like that it’s anatomically correct.
The structure of the class would be pretty simple, and if my students learn their muscles correctly, it’s win-win:
Miss AshleyPants: “Class, you get a once in a lifetime chance to not only hit me with a stick today – but if you point to the CORRECT muscle I name as you do so, then you also get a TREAT… You can have some of these fantastic organic kale chips.”
Class: “Ew, we don’t like kale chips!”
Miss AshleyPants: “Oh, okay… then you’re welcome to some of this assorted candy as a reward instead…”
Class: “Yay!”
Miss AshleyPants: “…It’s just… if you each finish all of the kale chips, you’ll all get A’s on your next chapter’s test which is in Health and Diet for sure; But if you eat the crappy candy, you might as well just write F at the top of it yourself once I hand it out. Like, seriously; don’t even bother taking the test. ”
Class: “But that’s not fair!”
Miss AshleyPants: “Oh really? I think it is. Let me explain: If you eat shitty shit, you fail at your diet and subsequent health (which is what the next chapter is testing). When you eat healthy shit, you succeed in both. Welcome to the real world versions of “F” versus “A+”, kids!
Keep up this attitude, and pretty soon you’ll have a broken bathroom scale, busted pant seams, a glacial metabolism, and your doctor’s death sentence diagnoses to spell it out for you instead of my measly letter grades.
SO, you can eat your empty candy calories now OR you can remember that “F” stands for Fatass, just eat the goddamned kale chips and/or fruit/veg platter I’ve provided, and be happy this is probably so close to the easiest A you’ve ever earned that it nearly verges on extra fkking credit.
Right now, I’m still able to wear dresses I bought nearly twenty years ago. I know most of you in here failed at even remedial math, but that was pretty much before my ovaries even started working. Literally, the only place those clothes are tight right now is in the tits. And, no, Bradley, *snapping my fingers at horny student’s face* that anecdotal reference was not an excuse to look at my tits.
Anyway, will any of you be able to say the same when you reach my age? Just for funsies, Let’s give it a try, you fat sacks of shit!”
(Drops candy in trash like I’m dropping the mic as the class bell rings)
MissAshleypants: (upon leaving classroom) “AshleyPants OUT.”
xoxo
<3~A