The term “the end of the world” brings to mind many things.
And if you know me, you’ll understand that the major players which come to mind are 1. Aliens or zombies (or both), 2. Awesome 90’s music. 3. Franco’s flick about having a party when the rapture happens.
While none of those things are what this story’s about, a crater like the one outside of Franco’s movie party-house has indeed been spotted. And it is at the end of the world… at least that’s what the nickname for this one spot in Siberia is, where this badboy was spotted:
Naturally, the interwebs went wild with insanely fun theories, but let’s start with the parts that might make sense in the real world which I perpetually have to remind myself actually exists. We still have to wait on science’s Siberian holiday to take site samples, but in the meantime, armchair analysts suggest it could be:
1. Friendly fire from Cosmo-Christ
I was surprised at first that “meteorite” was considered to be the least likely cause – considering the fact that Russia gets more space rock than Jason Biggs is getting hate tweets right now. Also, there was darkening at the top part of the soil (which could indicate intense heat AKA scorching of a fiery crash landing). But upon a closer glance at this clandestine chasm, I noticed it didn’t quite look like some of the other meteor holes I’ve seen (pixelated pictures of). So mayhaps that’s what they’re going on when they “last resort” this as an option.
2. Maybe the pingo ate your land mass
A pingo (which is NOT the online game I used to play back when AOL was still the only way to connect to friends online) is the second plausible cause being considered. Plingo’s come from geological hilltop tundra-type regions with permafrost under. Or in Ash-terms, a giant anthill sitting on top of an ice-core. It collapse inward when the ice melts – the same way your face does if you smoke Breaking Bad kinda ice. And…Boom! Plingo!
3. Mama earth popped a MRSA zit
Finally, the last of the top popular three speculations is that natural gas pressure built up beneath the earth in that area. You know, my first thought when I saw this was that terra firma had bad acne and realized too late into the squeeze sesh that it was actually filled with the kind of infection that shoots so hard into the mirror it actually ricochets back into your own eye. And I wasn’t far off. If gas and pressure and salt caused a lab-accident style chemical boom, that would explain the scorch-ery happening round the edges.
But screw science. With all its rules and god particles, it’s just religion in a labcoat, amirite?
Here are some real winners I found trolling the online commentary, paraphrased:
1. Giant worms.
2. Mars had sex with us.
2.5 We’re getting a second moon as a result of our copulation with Mars.
3. God skipped comet bullets and straight roundhoused us in the Siberia.
4. It’s where Putin goes shootin’.
(And what list would be complete without):
5. The illuminati.
Okay well that’s i- WAIT. Wait a second. Back up here.
Really, guys? Can’t we do better? Like, for example:
“Illuminati entrance to the center of the world where David Icke assures our reptilian overlords reside”? Or “Illuminati wishing well where they throw in nickels… and infants”? Or “illuminati fire pit where they sit around and sing kumbaya while sharing experiences of strength and hope in a world that vilifies them”?
No? Nada?
Mmmkay.
