You know that feeling you get at the end of a pizza slice?
Where you jettison the end bit with the burnt crust to the edge of your plate? And you feel all good about yourself because that’s like at least 500 calories (out of the 10,000 you just wolfed down) that you didn’t consume? Well, don’t get too comfortable with this ritualistic delusion of possessing will power for long. Not if you’re a Pizza Hut lover, anyway. ‘cause now that it’s made the rounds in Canada and a couple of other places, they’re finally bringing the hot dog stuffed crust to America.
(Honestly, I’m just shocked we didn’t come up with it first.)
Is this what we’re really missing in our lives? Franken-carcasses that’re embraced in baked dough which then embrace sheets of greasy triangles blanketed in melted milk byproducts? Who caught a blood clot in their heart reading that just now? I mean, it’s been a while, but I’m trying to think back to my pizza eating days – and I’m having trouble locating the memory for that day when I opened the delivery box, audibly heard the slosh of grease, and thought: “This is almost sufficient for the level of self-hate I’m aiming for in a few hours. Almost. But you know what’s missing here? Something that looks like an uncircumcised schlong clinging desperately to the circumference of this oily pie.”
You know what’s gonna happen here.
A bunch’a people will try this out (because: novelty). But then, eventually, they’ll start to realize how disgusting Pizza Hut is for making something like this and how disgusting they are for taking part in it. And then Hut will hafta do the same backtrack thing McDonald’s did when everyone started hating on them: installing a bunch of faux fit ‘n healthy options on the side of the heart attack entrée. Except with PH, it’ll be literally installed into the crust – and literally on the side of the pie. That way, as you polish off your shameful finale and its contents (which would be totally healthy if it weren’t mummified with starchy carbs in liquid lard), you can delude yourself into thinking you’re being super healthy and canceling out all the gastronomical rot you’ve Hoovered down.Ya know – just like back when you used to give the crust the finger altogether.
Kale stuffed crust, anyone?
How about tofu stuffed crust?
Hey – can we pour my green drink in there?